[djvj]

i really enjoy reading this thread.

i don't think anyone on this forum has a problem agreeing that a birthparents using substances around children or subjecting them to any type of danger is unacceptable and visits under these circumstances should not be allowed to continue.

having said that, i feel it is negative to have children stop contact with their bparents simply because emotions can occasionally run high. while we all want to shield children from inappropriate situations, we also have to prepare them to grow up in a complicated, difficult world... where sadness, fear, and pain are unfortunate realities that can not be avoided. imho, the way we HANDLE these feelings teach a child how to do so for themselves. if we run away or shut out everything that at times feels uncomfortable, then we will often miss chances to grow, and to teach our children that relationships take work and are not always easy. i think with a thoughtful approach, communication, and good boundaries on both sides, these uncomfortable times can be learning opportunities. yes - someone can be sad sometimes, and you don't have to run away from it. yes - relationships are complicated and sometimes they take patience and work. yes - many people can love you at the same time and not be a threat to each other or cancel each other out, just as we all have the capacity to love many people at once. i think children look to adults for clues of how to process emotional situations. while they may indeed "soak up" the emotions of both the b & a parents, and this might not always be fun, they are also learning valuable skills in how to cope with their own unpleasant feelings, and can develop qualities like compassion, loyalty and trust in the process.

achildren are exposed to their aparents experiencing a myriad of emotions over the course of their childhood. they are going to soak some of that up, and they are probably going to imitate the way their parents handle these emotions. i think it would be ridiculous to remove a child from their aparent for a year while the aparent grieves a relative's death, for example, even though a child will surely be sensitive to and affected by their aparent's pain and loss in this situation.

the most mind blowing aspect of my first reunion with my 23year old birth daughter was WHAT A HUGE ROLE genetics play...we have the exact same mannerisms, voice, tastes, interests, and astoundingly similar personalities. i knew we resembled each other and had a few surface similarities but i was shocked at how alike we are in millions of large and small ways. imo, one of the most beautiful aspects of open adoption is that the child get to see their aparents respecting their biological roots. they get to see with their own eyes that their parents accept and honor the parts of them that are genetic. if contact ends because aparents feel uncomfortable with bparents for no other reason than their emotions are not always "happy" or "easy", then i wonder what the subliminal message is to the child?

adoption is a situation that is painful, complicated, joyful and scary for all the adults involved. there is no way to change this. i really think that presenting it as easy, simple, and always problem free is probably not accurate. but neither is it always the impossible mess that it is all too often portrayed as being. people come to these forums for support, and that means probably more people are inclined to speak out when there is a problem then when there is not. imho, ideally when we have issues in our close relationships (especially familial) we do our best to work them out, to learn communication, empathy and how to set boundaries. if a relationship is toxic or abusive, then children need to be protected and interaction should be terminated. but in any other situation i believe the long term benefits to all parties can outweigh the difficulties of working through the tough times.