[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by katie52

I've read this a thousand times and don't understand why it isn't understood (I'm not saying YOU don't understand this, I'm not clear). If you don't want to be in a fully OA then don't make that promise to a woman who is about to let you raise her child. Just don't do it!

I feel like "we" get so stuck on this issue and I don't know why ---------------------------------------------------


I think we get stuck on this issue because THINGS CHANGE. I know several a-moms, myself included,
who fully expected to keep their OA agreements intact.

One cannot always foresee the future. If a b-parent arrives for the visit drunk, high and out of control, and has driven their other child to your home, while in that state, you obviously have a problem. The original plans were not set up with drama like that in mind.

When you make' the promise', you do so assuming all will be well. If the bmom goes back to using hard drugs, do you think it is fair to the child, to HAVE to visit her under those circumstances. Kids' know'-they pick up on this type of behavior. Our oldest kids bmom was an alcoholic, who used to be very drunk when we would all get together. She said she couldnt stop being who 'she was' just because we didn't approve.
I think it is far better to shut down visitation, and move to mail contact, than it is to 'keep a promise' and put the child under this negative influence.

Our oldest flat out refused to continue contact-would not speak to her on the phone- did not want letters-because he was so upset by the way she was acting,
coming drunk, and thinking it was funny.

So , when you say a-moms, should keep their promises, no matter what, do you mean even if bmoms
come to see the kids when they are drunk/high?

Would you keep your child in face to face visits if his b-mom was out of control, and proud of it?

There is a big difference between closing an adoptio because a birthmother is out of control with a substance abuse problem than closing an adoption when the birthmother has remained a stable positive force in the relationship.

When I read " you should keep promises no matter what" I'm thinking the situation is the latter, not the former.