[JustPeachy]

Reunion does bring about unexpected emotions. That's just a given. I'm not yet in reunion but have already experienced strong emotions merely contemplating it! It is helpful if you can get some counseling around this, but also know that these emotions do pass. Allow yourself to feel them, but if possible, don't make any big decisions about your relationship with bmom while in the midst of strong emotions. Sometimes it's only a matter of a day or two when those emotions settle, and you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed.

I believe a lot of the more "negative" emotions, like anger & anxiety, are rooted in fear. Finding out this bit of info you were not aware of is shocking, but I wonder if it also has to do with fear around meeting her and that fear is coming up as anger. I would examine this a bit because perhaps in fear you are looking for something (subconsciously) to find "wrong" so that you can hold off meeting. And that's fine, if you need to take a step back, but it's helpful to examine where the feelings are coming from. I agree that it would be helpful if you had a reason why your mom only placed her girls. It still may not be acceptable to you (and I would have a hard time with this, too, because I just don't understand gender preference), but maybe she had valid reasons (in her thinking at that time) for doing so, that could help you come to terms with it.

I can remember in a moment of extreme anxiety wanting to shut the door completely on any communication at all (I'm in semi-open) and just forget about all things adoption related. After a few days, things settled down and I realized it was the anxiety talking and fear was behind it. In reality, I do not, and did not, want to shut the door. I just needed time to process some things that were completely overwhelming to me at the time. Perhaps in your case, with the possibility of contact on the horizon, in addition to this new knowledge, you are being stirred up by this all the more. I think it could be an indication that you need to examine things further, maybe slow down and process your feelings more, and get on solid footing before taking the next step.

Remember "this too shall pass." Sometimes just repeating that phrase helps!