|
What I think is missing at the very beginning of most OA's is the recognition that the baby WILL become a child with their own unique , and strong desires concerning the arrangements.
It is fine for bparents and aparents to hammer out a solid agreement concerning the next 18 yrs of a babies life, BUT when said baby becomes a preteen, and a young teen, things have to change according to the kids wishes. Some may want more visits, more calls, and may want to go stay with bfamilies during vacation. While others may resist contact, dislike talking on the phone, and may even want to cut off all contact.
I know that our 2 OAS were totally different. One child wanted MORE contact as they grew older, another child wanted NO contact as they grew older. In both situations, when the kids are teenagers, the aparents are somewhaT helpless in that role. You cannot force your teenager to speak on the phone, or go to a visit if they adamantly refuse, nor can you convince a bparent to keep in contact, and to stop changing numbers and addresses with no forwarding info.
I guess what I am saying is, the input of the child is necessarily left out of the loop in the very beginning of the agreement. And sometimes, you can not forsee the changes that come when the kid grows into his own and
begins to make his own emotional decisions.
I know of several OA's , one of mine included, which were disrupted because the adoptees refused to continue contact. We were all so busy hammering out our agreements and schedules that we failed to see some of the issues the adoptees themselves were wrestling with.
So my fears are, that families with very young kids,
are forgetting that each child is different . What works for one kid in an OA may not work in another.
Some kids can easily visit with their bfamily, laugh and enjoy it, while others may obsess about it, or dread it, or reject it completely. All 4 parents need to keep this in mind when they envision their future plans.
|