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i am with you
raven,
i know exactly what you mean when you talk about seeing mom vulnerable and disolving into a puddle of love...it is the same for me. it took me 13 years of therapy to see my mother as a very sick person and get past my anger and grief to access my empathy and love for her, as it seems you have for your mother. as mother's ourselves, we know that it is simply not possible to NOT love your baby on some level, but it seems in both of our cases, our mothers simply are incapable of not being toxic to us. this doesn't mean our need for them or original love for them go away, which is why a situation like this is so hard.
the last time i relented and went across the country to see her (7 years ago) she tried to talk me into killing myself with her assistence - her reasoning was that i am so damaged and that it was painful for her to see me suffer for the rest of my life -- and she said something like "i brought you into this world and i will help you to leave it for your own good". she later physically attacted me (i was 33 years and froze, unable to defend myself) and the police had to be called by my sister to get me out of her house safely and with my belongings i had brought. I was bleeding and covered with bruises and it took me months to even function again...
in my case, i simply have NO CHOICE but to sever all contact. but i still dread the day i get a call like the one you got -- because i know that despite everything, a huge part of me will want to go. like you, i love my mother and always will, even though i also have alot of anger and sadness about what she has done to me both as a child and an adult. and while my head knows things will never change, my heart will never stop aching for her and wanting my "mommy".
i don't know what i will do when the time comes that you are now facing. i hope i will make a decision that is in my best interest that also takes into account my need for closure. your situation touches me more than i can say, i have been and will continue to think of you and send you my prayers. if there is ANYTHING i can do to help, including but also beyond emotional support, please let me know.
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