You can't control death or divorce - things happen. Adoptive parents aren't any more perfect that those who give birth. It happens.
As for the other portion of your question:
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What would you think or do if the family neglected your child?
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This is my reality. I have lost ALL respect for my daughter’s parents. I placed her so that she would have a life better than the one I could provide her at the time of her birth – she got that ‘better life’ for about a year (give or take) then the proverbial poo hit the fan. It turns out (with the agency having full knowledge, but not taking steps to investigate/dig deeper) that one of her parents was mentally ill on a debilitating level. The parent had NEVER had a functional/normal ‘life’ – and rather than out themselves, they moved. Far away.
It wasn’t until they returned (and a few years later) that the ‘truth’ came to light. At least some of it.
It wasn’t until last June that I got to see the real truth ‘face to face’ when my daughter deplaned for a visit and was wearing clothing and shoes that were to small along with no underpants, because she’d started her period two days before and no one bothered to go get her any sanitary napkins. She had blood all over the back of her skirt – not that I noticed at first, because her bare rear end was also showing from behind. She was 11 at the time.
She wore glasses, but hadn’t been to the eye Dr. in several years. The eyewear was too small, plus it was falling apart. Scratched. She squinted when wearing them.
She had never had her teeth cleaned and when I took her to the Dentist with me to get mine cleaned – she finally piped up and mentioned that she had some pain in a tooth – my Dentist looked and she had rotten teeth. Rotten. Not cavities. Rot.
She excels in school and I am thankful for that, but she has very little familial support. The parent that stays home rarely makes it out of bed and when she does, she is so self centered, M barely makes it to her radar. The other parent is largely absent.
I don’t have any definitive proof that the other parent too suffers from mental illness – but their actions sure make me wonder…or I should say their inactions.
You asked how I felt?
Like I had been kicked in the stomach. I was disgusted. I am still disgusted. The pain I feel over the neglect she has suffered for her ENTIRE LIFE sometimes sends me into the black hole of depression. It’s often something I have to just put out of my mind, because there is nothing I can do about it, beyond hope and pray someone else does something.
You asked what I’d do?
I hotlined them. Or at least, I tried. The lady was really nice, took my report, I gave her ALL of their information – explained in detail what I had witnessed and advised them that I had photographic evidence of the damage to her mouth and the way she looked when she deplaned in Phoenix.
Then she asked, “What is your relation to the child?”
I responded, “I am her birth mother”
She got really snotty with me at that point, explained that they don’t take reports from people who didn’t care enough to keep their kids in the first place and said I needed to ‘get over it’, I would never get her back.
I didn’t want her back. I wanted her safe.
So, I tried. Now, all I do is hope someone else will care and report them. The bad news is, they move a lot (and now, I have no doubt in my mind why that is) and I would bet that any mandated reporter would just be getting to the point of reporting, when they up and move.
They do not deserve to be parents.
They do not deserve that little girl.
They disgust me.