[RavenSong]

How do you do it? How do you deal with an elderly parent who is seriously ill or disabled, a parent who was both physically and emotionally abusive to you when you were a child? A parent who is most likely emotionally disturbed or mentally ill, yet eluded psychiatric diagnosis her entire life (as far as I know).

My mother had a "probable" stroke this afternoon. The paramedics called me from Tulsa, OK. But the docs, nurses, even unit secretaries won't tell me one single thing. They'll only verify that she's alive and that she's not currently in ICU or CCU; rather, she's on the Cardiac floor. It is a good sign that she's not in the Unit...

I am so ticked off at her. I've been begging her for over 4 years to comply with her diabetes treatment plan. I have cajoled her, pleaded with her, yelled at her, stopped talking to her, and finally just gave up. I've warned her for years that she's going to stroke out or have a major heart attack. She's totally noncompliant with any plan her doctor comes up with...I don't think she's even seen him for at least a year. Her blood glucose level was 340 today in the ER...outrageous.

Thank God that the paramedics called me and let me in on that much, plus the stroke info; the hospital staff won't even talk to me; they say they can't verify who I am. Don't they have any contingency plan in place in Oklahoma for out-of-state next-of-kin? All they keep saying is "HIPAA this, and HIPAA that". I am assuming they'll give me the courtesy of letting me know if my mom dies in their hospital. Hopefully that won't be a HIPAA violation.

I have not seen my mom in person in over 17 years now, although we talk every single Sunday afternoon on the telephone. Then I just go on my merry way, thinking that my duty is done for the week. I never forget her birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day (except this year, long story...). She never forgets me on those days either. She tells me she loves me...and I believe that she does to the best of her capability. But we cannot be in the same room together for more than 5 minutes before the walls come tumbling down...I am talking World War III.

I am dreading the call from the hospital social worker...I know that it's coming. I do not want to take care of my mother, no way. I do not even want to go to Tulsa at all, even just to sit by her hospital bed. I am so torn up inside.

My very favorite aunt by marriage (my maternal uncle's wife) died about 5 weeks ago, on June 26th. She was everything to me, and she was also one of the very few people in my family who was totally unafraid of my mother. She was my mom's nemesis; they were only a few months apart in age. When she died, she was surrounded during the last week by her loved ones: my uncle, my cousins, the grandchildren, and a great-granddaughter. And I'm scared to death about how I can possibly tell my uncle, my mother's brother who loves her very much, that I don't want to go to Tulsa. Why can't I find it in myself to do what my cousins did only five weeks ago for their mom? I just don't know how to handle this.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm going to bed now, I think...