[dragonflylady]

In the past year, I have had three failed adoptions. Last fall, in our quest for a private domestic adoption, we met a birth mom who was only 17 and going to place. We were in her "top four" list, and asked to come to her state to meet. We were thrilled. We booked our flight, our hotel, our car - only to find out that she chose the family she met the weekend before. Totally bummed. We moved on.

Two months later, a week before that baby was due, we get a call. The other family backed out, we were their second choice, the baby is being induced next week, were we interested. And, oh yeah, the baby has hypoplastic left heart syndrome, will need surgery by the time its two weeks old, and you probably cant leave the state with him for many weeks.

I researched the condition. We thought hard. We consulted with friends, family and our attorney. Everyone told us dont do it. And with tears in my eyes, I called her back to say we just couldnt do it.

Then the holidays come. No one is replying to ads that time of year. Finally we hear from someone in February. Baby girl is due in April. We fly out to meet them, we all get along great, she brings me to her doctors appointment, we go home, we talk all the time things go great. She even asks me to be in the room for the delivery!

Two weeks before the baby is due, we spend time together. Im there for the birth. I name her. The hospital consults with me for her medical choices. I feed her. I hold her. I love her with all my heart.

The mom is discharged from the hospital. We go back to our hotel and then get the call. 30 hours after she is born, she changes her mind. I never see her again. We lose $18,000 at the end of everything.

We try and move on. We are immediately (no kidding, the agency called me four hours after we got the call they were changing their minds) about another birth couple. I didnt want to know. I couldnt think. I was a mess. They told me I needed to respond in the next 24 hours because action needed to be taken.

The couple has placed twice before. Those two adoptive families know of each other. Their children play together. The adoptive parents have a baby every year, its like a second income to them. She is told about what we went through, she is horrified that someone could do that to an adoptive family.

She never tells the other adoptive parents, who she talks to on a regular basis about her recent pregnancy. She is afraid they will get upset they didnt get the opportunity. Her reason is because she could collect more money from an out of state adoptive parent, rather then them. She hides it from them probably because she is embarrassed that the money is more important then keeping the babies together.

So we get within 10 weeks of the due date, and things start getting weird. She lies to the agency. She doesnt return papers when asked. She distances herself from them. Turns out the other couples find out about the pregnancy. Now shes wondering if she is doing the right thing. All of the agency and attorney people get together and think this is going to crash and burn. My attorney tells me to pull out before I lose more money again. So I do. This time I have only lost $10,000.

So its been a year, and Im down $28,000 and have lost my mind. Everyone tells me that the right child will come along, but thats right up there with telling a bride that its good luck when it rains on her wedding - or telling a teenager sobbing over her first breakup that the guy is the one at a loss, not her.

It sucks. So bad. I cant get the baby girl out of my mind, I think of her all the time. I see pictures of her (thank God for myspace albums) on a regular basis.

I was very friendly with that birthmom. But she was in a dead end relationship (if you could even call it that) with someone who drank too much, conned to much, womanized too much and verbally abused her. Not the childhood this baby deserved. My husband and I could have given her everything she ever wanted. They dont even have a bedroom for her. She sleeps on the pullout sofa with them.

Now I wait all over again. Im scared about losing more money and whats left of my heart....