[1971.mom]

Thanks guys for your responses.

From the little contact we have had, I think I see that see is accepting and moving on. She has moved back home (from having moved far away), she has a steady job that she says likes, and is reconnecting with old friends.

For some reason I want to think that we have a connection-whether or not we do-strange of me maybe.

I feel the need to have concern for her without being responsible for reacting to her possible negative choices and actions-kind of like the way I feel about my ex-husband. Is that a weird comparison?

I mean, I can look at the calendar and think to myself-today used to be mine & my ex's anniversary or today was his birthday without really feeling the need to voice it or say anything out loud, but that doesn't mean I didn't remember to mark the fact of the occasion.

I figure John's firstmom at least had that moment for herself-but because I DO have the need for the "connection" I just wish I was able to KNOW that she did.

Or if she had the need to talk to someone about her feelings that she actually got to talk, and with someone that understood how she felt.

Her other children have been taken from her by family members who where protecting the kids from her bad choices. She was keeping the adoption private from her family. I think that perhaps they might think she did the right thing by placing him-seeing as what their actions where previously. I think if that is the case she might be able to mend fences with them and have support from them again.

Just alot of me worrying about her in general. I wan't her to be ok at least for John's sake. What if I never get to know her enough to answer his questions or for him to feel like adoption itself is okay. I know sometimes its not-but what we all want is what is best for our kids-that why we went with OA-right?

I've learned that making plans doesn't mean that things go according to them. The unknown is always what is the scariest. I still feel like I'm intitiled to the "OH SH** " moment when I realize that things have spiraled away from the plan.

For now I'll just raise him and love him-and hope the right answers come when the time is right.