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Originally Posted by Boulderbabe
I'm not sure that "stealing" is a very helpful word here. Children are not objects, and they aren't property. They can't be stolen, because they aren't property, and they can't be stolen from you, because you don't own them. So maybe it's better not to think about "stealing" and who has the rights to possess a child, and think more about the child as a person in a set of relationships.
Can I make a suggestion? Try thinking about it through W's eyes. You may think "he has one family, and that is it." But he's been part of another family, his foster family, for more than two years. How old is he? Two years must be a huge chunk of his life, and to a child, even a few months is like forever. To W, this other family *is* his family. He has attached to them. So losing them suddenly, and having to leave them forever with no ongoing contact, is basically exactly what it would be like to have your mother or father die. It's a huge event with lifelong consequences.
If this family has been good to W, and he loves them, I think you should make an ENORMOUS effort to continue contact. It's not for them. It's not for you. It's for W, who will suffer tremendous harm if he's wrenched out of the family he feels is his and never allowed to see them again. Yah, maybe they're not the nicest to you. I'd bet they think you're not very nice to them, either. But the adults have got to put their differences aside and work together to make the transition okay for W. He's the one who matters.
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I think we are going to disagree in the fact that children in fact can be stolen and when you give birth to a child you in fact do have a great deal of rights, and children have rights to be with their biological families. I’m sorry if you took offense to the word steal, but I believe that “stealing” does take place in some cases where the biological family comes forward and the foster family and agency fight you for RU. I believe the difficulty usually comes with chldren under the age of 3 that are much easier to adopt.
I certainly haven’t said a child shouldn’t be thought of as a person in a set of relationships. When I referred to the word stealing, I referred to it in a sense that an agency and foster family is trying to permanently disconnect a set of relationships in a very unhealthy and unfair manner. Of course, I hope, these situations are very far and few between. However, my family and I have been through this twice, although this second time is much more severe than the first. I’m sorry if me making reference to the word stealing rubs you the wrong way. I’m certainly not speaking on behalf of all fp, or all agencies. I do not believe my current ff is trying to steal my nephew. I do believe the agency has tried for the second time. However, I have been in a previous situation where I do believe the foster family was trying to steal my nephew H.
I think you also misunderstood what I said when I said W has one family. W has been part of his foster family, this is true. However, I still believe he has one family which can and cannot include the foster family. My point was that I am not willing to DIVIDE W BETWEEN FAMILIES. WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER FOR HIS SAKE. That was the point I was making. I understand that the foster family loves W and I believe they have been excellent fp, which is why I was asking for suggestions on how to go about visitation. I was asking b/c in light of how I've been treated by them (and no they cannot say I haven't been nice to them) I believe it's important to continue the relationship. However, you really failed to give me any advice besides be defensive on behalf of foster families. I do not have a problem disagreeing with you but I do have a problem with the defensive nature of your post and ultimately the lack of advice you gave.