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I don't know all the details of your particular situation, and I don't know the foster parents your son was placed with, so I won't comment on your story directly if that is okay.
Of course, if any of the people involved aren't safe, contact should be curtailed. But I think that just because a kid shows a stress response, that doesn't necessarily mean that contact is bad. It could be that it's stressful because the loss hurts, because it's another reminder of moving, because it brings up all sorts of stuff that the kid might want to bury. If the foster parents are good people, and they were safe and appropriate with the child, I think working through some of that stuff might be good.
Here's an example, if that helps: I had a foster daughter, "Sally," who came to me after she had lived with another foster family for almost a year. I know these people loved Sally more than life itself---it practically killed my friend "Mary" when she and her husband decided that at their age, it wasn't fair to Sally to adopt her. So she came to me as a fost-adopt placement. And for about a month, any time Mary came near her, Sally would pout or cry or run away---even though I know that she adored Mary! I think she felt abandoned and hurt.
Sally didn't end up staying with me. She was reunified with bmom. And during that entire time, her bmom would drop Sally off at Mary's house almost every weekend. Sally and Mary were really, really close. But then, almost a year later, Sally came back into care when her mom started using again. She went back to Mary's, until eventually she was placed with another friend of ours who had adopted Sally's cousin. So what does Sally do when she moves over to her new adoptive home? She totally disses Mary! Cold shoulder, pouting, crying, the works. She was completely horrible to Mary! Mary called me up sobbing her heart out, she was so hurt. She asked me if she should stop trying to see Sally, even, because she thought that maybe seeing her was hurting her.
I think Sally was hurt by being removed. She missed Mary so much, and felt that Mary had walked out on her, and she was really angry. So should Mary disappear from Sally's life? Should our other friend demand that all contact with Mary be cut? I don't think so. By still being there, Mary is teaching Sally that people you love don't abandon you, and that just because you get angry with somebody, doesn't mean they'll vanish. Those are really important lessons for kids who have been abandoned or removed from their parents. Permanency is so precious to these kids---the lessons they've learned so far is that people you love walk out on you. That's a terrible thing to grow up with, and it can scar somebody for life.
So I guess my point is, if there is anyway to set appropriate boundaries and let the relationship continue, I would encourage it. Say something to the foster family if you think they're making it more difficult on the kid. Have them talk to the child's therapist, even. But I would avoid cutting off contact unless it is absolutely unavoidable.
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