[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Robin,

This was the first time I'd read your story. Thanks for sharing it.

I think maybe you're misreading the situation a little. You make it seem as if these foster parents were grasping people who were trying to solve their own problems at the expense of your (then-) nephew. But I can tell you from my own experience that it is very, very hard to care for a child day in and day out and not to be enormously attached to them; as attached as you would be to a child you gave birth to yourself. Everything about human biology and culture encourages us to feel this way about the kids we care for. So for the foster family, I imagine that losing your (now-) son was like losing their own child---a horrible gut-wrenching experience that I wouldn't wish on anybody. I know I felt that way about my own foster, now adopted, kid. After three months, if somebody had taken him from me, I don't know if I would have survived.

As for not wanting their telephone given out to the bmom: I think it's to be expected. We foster parents are often told horrible, horrible things about bparents. Many of those horrible things are true, and they aren't balanced out by any other knowledge of the bparents. Nobody tell us, "Bmom is a great musician, makes terrific guacamole, and uses heroin." They just tell us, "She uses heroin." It's very easy to get good and scared of the bfamily---just look at some of the responses on this site in the last week! So they are understandably cautious--they don't know you, and everything they know about the bmom is horrible.

As for visits with other relatives: I don't know what it's like where you are, but in Colorado, I am required to sign a document that says I won't have ANY unapproved contact with bfamily members. That means if DSS doesn't set up the visit, I am prohibited by law from setting up visits. If I had been your son's fmom, there would have been no possible way for me to set up visits with your nephew/son's sister on my own.

I think it's a terrible tragedy that bfamilies and ffamilies are set up as opponents, scrambling for kids as if they were playing capture the flag. It would be so much better for EVERYBODY if DSS helped bfamilies and ffamilies come together for the sake of the child. But DSS sets us up as adversaries, instead. They tell us awful things about each other, keep us from meeting each other early in the case, and forbid us from talking with one another. That, to my mind, is what causes the harm. It's DSS's fault, not either one of the families'.

I want to thank you for your thoughtful responses to my posts. I so appreciate having someone like yourself willing to discuss these issues, both my personal experience and the general state of the foster care system.

Regarding our ds and his relationship with fparents--
We asked him every day when he was first placed with us do you want to call them? He said no--if he was allowed to say it, he would have said h*** no! That is how positive and firm he was with his answer. The first weekend, fmom called and I just handed him the phone--he took it and talked for a while--we did not supervise the call. She called back w/in ten min. to tell me fdad had promised to call the next day. Ds got a strange look on his face, a grin, and asked if "she was crying". He seemed happy about it--it was unnerving to see him and hear him. The next day, no call, no call, so I called them. Handed the phone to ds--this call I monitored. They referred to themselves as mom and dad, and PROMPTED, did not just say to him, PROMPTED him to say I love you. Five times--he tore his toenails off during this call and scratched his ankles until they bled. There was other stuff-teased him over and over about not going to church that day. He was six--how does he have control over church?

Their agency and the socialworker agency both said no more calls when I reported all that. Still, we knew there was history with them. We let the therapist know about our concerns about attachment to these people. He disclosed how he felt--resentment at the treatment he received (won't waste time and space on all that) and that they tried to keep him. His therapist here, very experienced with foster children's issues, said he did not want to be in contact and that forced contact would not be in his best interests. I was stunned, and did not believe her at first.

He told us straight--I never wanted to stay with X and Y. He was angry that they had said otherwise--this conversation happened due to him asking about his GAL and why she was in court the day of the adoption.

I was so stressed out over the whole thing I went to a therapist! She repeated what ds's therapist said--it would not help our ds to have contact with fparents. He was happy and doing very well with us. (He still is--heehee-hard to keep tenses straight writing about the present and the past at the same time!)

Still, we tried. Invited them to send some pics for a life book. 99 pictures arrived and a four page letter consisting of remember this remember that and lots of misinformation-due to them not knowing anything about his bfamily. We weeded out the pictures and kept ones of him and him with the ffamily. The rest were meaningless to him--trips ds could not go on "because you had to go visit your sister". The letter went back with an explanation that ds needed to concentrate on his future per therapist's advice, and not dwell on the past. The letter went back via their agency so the agency would know about it, and our wishes to end contact.

We exchanged Christmas cards and gave them some family portraits we had taken at Christmas. Their comment--"it gave us closure". Hello? At what point does this EVER become about the child? They never ever said we are happy for him that HE is happy and doing well.

The entire time we were trying to do transition visits they told us over and over they couldn't have children and they never wanted to adopt until they got ds. Adoption was never a goal for him, not ever. They just decided they wanted him and then did everything they could to block reunification. Example--the first GAL was very positive about placement with us. She had done her homework and talked often with the therapist. She did not feel the ffamily was the right place for him, but realized it would not be good for him to be moved. She told us all this personally, by the way. The second GAL had been on the case for two months--had visited the ffamily two times. That was it--and her report was the complete opposite of the first GAL. The ffamily saw their opportunity to influence the situation (this GAL was new and inexperienced) to further their personal agenda of beginning a family by adopting this child.

To clarify about the phone number--no one wanted the bmother to have their number, she was very unstable. My objection was that the biosister could have had phone contact--she was a child, also in care. They could have bought one of those cheap phones (disposable?) and let her call her brother. We would have paid for it, for pity's sake! SW told us biosister was allowed unlimited phone contact.

Regarding the sib visits--the social worker and therapist tried to set up visits for the siblings and the fparents to build a relationship, and the fparents participated by showing up and then leaving immediately with lil guy. Therapist and sw tried over and over to get some kind of relationship going between biosister and fparents of lil guy. Fparents could have taken him to the Ice Palace where she worked and that would not have given her any info about where they lived. There was no restriction on contact with sister per social worker. Just the block put there by fparents. Sister was just 15 when she was taken into care, BTW. She was the primary caregiver for ds--that bond was not acknowledged or respected by any adult in this situation until ds was placed with us.

I acknowledge that my experience is not every relative's experience. I know despite their inappropriate actions they loved this little boy.

I know also that the fact that they loved him does NOT excuse what they did--they are licensed foster parents who knew exactly what they signed up for, they knew exactly what the situation was with our ds.

This same scenario is being repeated all over the United States. Couples seeking to build their families foster children, and hope they are offered a chance to adopt. Some, not all, but some manipulate the situation to their advantage. I think that is very very wrong.