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Originally Posted by Mama_K
I have called and invited them to M's 1st B-day party in June. They came over to M and took him out of my arms, walked away from everyone there and started taking pictures of him, pictures of M with them. I have not a problem with them taking pictures, in fact I've sent them some, it's the point of them coming over and taking him out of my arms. They also told me that we wouldn't be having such a hard time with bd (my brother) if we would just let them adopt him, all this on M's 1st. B-day. I wanted it to be a joyous occasion for M, but he was scared of them and cried the whole time. He doesn't know them anymore, so should I keep trying to keep them involved in his life when doesn't know them? Is this in the best interest of M, or is it for the fp?
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I think that at this point, it's pretty hard to tell what the best thing to do is. You cut off contact for months, which is why he doesn't know them any more. If this were the first week you'd had him, I would really encourage you to keep contact open if at all possible, so that M could experience some continuity and stability of care. Now, after the rupture, it's very difficult to say what to do.
I think it's very easy to overinterpret little things. Them taking him out of your arms? Probably not a big deal, unless it was extremely forceful or something. Them taking pictures of him? Sounds pretty natural to me---I take pictures of my former fdaughters when I see them, too! They're getting so big, and I love to have new photos for the fridge. Heck, their other foster mom and I even email each other copies of the photos so we both have the really cute ones, and their amom swaps copies with us, too.
What did disturb me was the whole "let us adopt him" thing. That sounds pretty inappropriate for a birthday party. It's okay, and even good, to set limits around that kind of talk. I totally understand their grief---a year is a very long time to have a child and then to lose him---but I think you're right that the birthday party wasn't the place for that conversation.
In the end, I think I would still encourage you to have openness and ongoing contact with them, but with very clear boundaries. Someday, when M is trying to make sense of everything that happened to him when he was young, he will be glad to have them available to ask about what happened in his infancy. He'll be grateful to know he was adored and cared for. There won't be a big black hole in his life and nobody to ask about it.
I think it would be a very good thing if you can build a caring, supportive relationship for M with them. They are probably as suspicious of you as you are of them---but maybe, because you both love this child, you can overcome your anger and get together for M's sake.