[1971.mom]

Johns first birthday was yesterday-what a wonderful day we had.

All day I carried my cell phone hoping to hear from his firstmom. We didn't. We had one visit with her in February. It lasted for about 2hrs and included a little drama and concerns associated with her own life and circumstances. We had hoped for a little give and a little take in our relationship. Enough to know some little things that might be meaningful to John in the future-we get very little. We don't have an address or a phone number to reach her-but she knows ours. We are lucky enough to be able to leave messages for her at work-but have only done so once-seeking a visit from her-which did not pan out.

I have thought about her alot the past couple of days.

I lost a baby at 22 weeks gestation 11yrs ago July-and still have trouble with the month of July and that silly song from Dumbo "Baby Mine". I watched the movie with my oldest just before bed on the night before the surgery that followed my miscarriage. That was how I lost my first baby boy.

I am left with the need to question her silence and her
absence-because of my own experiences, but hold no
harsh feelings for her because of them.

The son we share because of her gift does not replace the one I lost-but allows me to share in the experiences that I had already imagined in the 22wks of dreaming about what my unborn son would be like. Does her loss hurt any more or less than mine did, because during her pregnancy she had planned for me to raise him? I wonder.

Birthdays in adoption are also anniversaries aren't they?

They are reminders of how our beautiful children have grown, and because of our plight and struggles to raise them, reminders that we ourselves have grown too.

Those are my thoughts for today....