[carolynppk]

Dear Janey,

I am so sure of that. She told me when we first "met" that she is not one to show emotions, she is a great friend and will keep your biggest secrets, but she does not talk about her feelings. I am sure that all she went through with being pregnant with me, greatly shaped why she holds emotions inside. I understand that. That is why I think I come here and ask other bmoms, because I don't want to pry, so to speak. I don't want to force something she isn't ready to share or look at yet. I know this has been hard for her. I appreciate how much of herself she has shared. I think maybe she shared glimpses of herself when we first got together because we were in that honeymoon phase. My mom once told me that she thought my bmom was doing reunion for me. It really hurt deeply, making me feel like she wanted nothing to do with me, she just pitied me, but I think in looking back, I took it wrong and was wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I think what my mom was trying to say is this was very hard for my bmom, revisiting all of the pain in the past, she had to love me very much because she wouldn't do that for herself. Looking back I think that it is more of the first. This is hard for the first mom, a lot of baggage and things here in the present also. If she did not care, she would never subject herself to all of this. See, talking all of this through, the last few weeks, I am beginning to see this in a different light, without going to her seeming needy. You gals are the best!! Isn't it amazing when you start talking things though. I feel like I just had a "moment" of clarity there. Like I said, trying to get a realtionship that normally progresses over a lifetime to suddenly fit into a couple of years does not come easy. That is why the eggshells, the misunderstandings. Again, that is why I think we need to be as understanding as possible to the person on the other end. This is hard work. They say growing old is not for sissies. Boy, they haven't done adoption reunion yet! Now THAT is not for sissies!!!

Love you guys!!

Carolyn