|
From Janey,
Hey Carolyn! :-)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about this since yesterday and I wanted to share something with you which I hope you will not take the wrong way. It is a strange thing because we come from two different ends of this "triad" as everyone calls it (I just prefer to call it people trying to make peace with themselves). Anyway....
Your bmom sounds a good deal like my mother; guarded and closed (not judging your bmom - just throwing out how it's looking from my end.) My mom survived the Nazis, she also survived a ruthless and completely dominant 1st husband, an child-abusing 2nd husband and extreme poverty. She witnessed war in all its horror and I know that all of this has shaped who she is today.
The thing is some people, because of the past or their emotional make-up or what-have-you; well....they simply cannot change. In some deep part of their hearts they may want to; may want to with everything they have. But they must keep the world at arms length because they've seen too many bad things and now safety is all that matters.
Sigh....I feel that you, like me, are walking a difficult road here and I appreciate how shaky the ground is. I guess I'm saying all of this because it's not just adoptees who live a sort of half-life with a-parents or firstparents. (And BTW I'm glad your amom was so wonderful to you!! Clearly you are a reflection of the kindness and wisdom you credit her with.)
Blathering on here.....With my mother I have learned that I can discuss cakes, decorating, the latest movie, how wonderful my Sister Susie is and how my sister-in-laws are doing at work. That's it.
I used to try to get her to talk about the big issues but I think she lives in fear of it taking us down the dark road to the past; a frightening place for her. So I have learned to talk light and take what I can get. Once in a great great while, I see her for an hour or so and we have tea and about once a month she spends a few minutes on the phone with me to talk about what dessert I'm bringing to the next family shindig.
It's not much. In truth, it's an eggshell existence but still there are things I have learned from her. I truly believe that my survival has been directly due to her toughness.
Thanks for listening.
Janey
|