[carolynppk]

Well, our weekly e-mails have grown to 3 weeks almost, but in all fairness to her, I know she is extremely busy and her husband is out of town so she has work and horses and stuff to take care of. I don't want to say anything, I feel like if I do I come across as extremely needy and that is hard to deal with when you are on the other end of it. I am sure there is a lot to sort through on her part. I have to remember that adoption was not for her what it was for me. So I need to give her space and let her know though that I am here.

I do find it hard though, I want her approval so badly. I want her to think I am a good person and to be proud of me. I want her to know that I did well, I think that is one of the best compliments I can give her, letting her know I appreciate her sacrifice and that I did something with myself, something she can be proud of. I know, strange.

Everyone says that with reunion things wax and wane, you come together and pull apart, it is coming together on not the normal time line of things and while you have this biological connection, trying to fit together emotionally is not easy. People are not on the same page, we each come to it deaing with different issues. Since I was never spoken about once I was placed within her family, even though they have been open to reunion, the fact that she and her parents never discussed me again after I was born, I am sure there is a lot of emotions to process. So I am trying to not take this personally and give her time and let her know that I am here. I hope to go back to how our relationship was one day, where we could call, joke, I could vent, ask advice. She was more than a good friend, she was one of my moms, but on a different level than my mom, and different than what she has with her own daughters. I am sure this has been a double edged sword for her. You have the good and the bad.

Do any of you feel like your biological child is not yours, period? I understand that her feelings for the daughters she raised are different, she's had a lifetime with them and was mom to them. ANd while my mom was who was my mom, I feel a bond to her as my first mom, that I respect and love for all she did for me. Yes, my feelings are different for her than my mom that raised me, but I still have feelings for her as one of my mothers.

I am rambling now, but I just want to understand. Thanks all for your insight.

Carolyn