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I don't think you are blowing things out of proportion, they are red flags. They are not deal breakers however. These all seem to be things that can be worked out with communication.
We had 2 kids raised in OA, our oldest is now 20. Everyone thought we were crazy for even attempting such a thing at the time. It is possible to do. But our biggest mistake with the first one, was NOT setting limits and boundaries in the beginning of the relationship.
These things you listed are good examples of the kinds of things that need negotiating. I would not worry about bmom signing mom on that note. The baby is an infant, and when she does look back on that note, when she is a teenager, she will probably LOVE that her bmom signed it that way.
The real issue to discuss, as time goes on, is what she will be called by the baby when she begins to talk. It all becomes sticky and awkward at times.
Example; you are all at a restaurant , and the talkative waitress looks at your kid and his bmom and says,to the kid " YOU look just like your mum dont ya"
[ probably assuming your the grandma after all ]
It is awkward moments like this that need a high level of comfort in communication, so the poor kid doesn't feel the tension . Even though you may not want your kid to call his bmom, mommy, ---the truth is situations like that come up where it is what it is. Gotta deal. lol
The biggest issue is the bdad. Kind of like the elephant in the room. The earlier you meet and feel out that situation the better. We had a wild up and down relationship with our younger childs bdad. At one time he even threatened to sue for custody , so we have been through the wringer there. Feel free to pm me if you have more questions about dealing with that relationship.
In summary, you are giving your child a great gift, to be able to know and grow up with his original family.
But it is not always easy, so buckle up. It is worth the ride .
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