[katie52]

To PRAISE MOM---I am really glad that you are all getting on so well. And hearing that you are going to be one big extended family sounds ideal. But as you said, there will be bumps in the road. Because your baby is just a baby, there is no problem now.

But we had open adoptions for our two kids, who are now 20 and 16, and it gets more difficult as the kids get older, and are put more in the middle.

Now you are saying you are happy bmom is moving closer to you. Is it because she wants to be more involved in your childs life? Does she have a reason besides that? I only ask because we failed to set any boundaries with our oldest childs bfamily to begin with,
and things got rocky when we realised we all had different visions of open adoption.
Do you expect that your childs birthmom will be at your home early Christmas morning, every year? Will she go to all the school talent shows and performances, and be known as mom ? These kinds of events begin to put pressure on the child, as the other kids say, "which one is your real mom ? "

Maybe that wont be a problem for your families, but it got very confusing for ours. Our son began to feel really stressed because he just wanted things to be simple, and they felt complicated to him.

How will you handle any requests that they may have concerning your child going away with them on family vacations? Once your child is older, then sometimes the birthfamily will extend an invitation, like going to DisneyWorld with their bcousins over memorial day.
That was really hard for us, and they could not understand why.

Anyway, I probably sound like a partypooper. I really dont mean to be one. But reading your post reminded me of when we started, and there were not as many OA's at the time, so it was uncharted territory. And I would say if I learned anything, it was that I needed to set some boundaries , which I did with our second child,
so there was some sense of common expectations.

I think it was a red flag in my mind, hearing that bmom was moving closer to you. The healthiest thing is for her to be moving forward with her life, and checking in with you , and seeing how things are going.
But if she is planning her life around what you and your family is doing, and if she plans to be a very hands on and active bmom, then you will need to do some serious counseling, all of you, together, to make sure you are on the same page. It is much like a kid living in a divorced household, because he is told, one person is his blood parent, and the other his legal parent, and he has to somehow integrate the two. So many issues arise that it is hard to list them all. But essentially, like with divorced parents, akids in open adoptions, learn to play the parents against each other. { she said I could, why not?}

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I feel like I am raining on your parade. THE GREAT NEWS, IS THAT BOTH OUR KIDS KNOW THEIR ORIGINAL FAMILIES, KNOW WHO THEY LOOK LIKE AND TAKE AFTER,AND THEY WILL NOT BE SEARCHING LIKE CHILDREN WITH NO ANSWERS DO.
So know you are doing the right thing, but set some boundaries for everyones sake.