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Ack, okay, so I could be TOTALLY wrong, but the people that I've come across in my life like that are just LIKE that - it may not even really have anything to do with her being your birthmom, you know?
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This was the impression I got. She is probably like this with everyone, but there is an additional layer (or several layers) of difficulty because of the adoption stuff.
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It's almost like she doesn't approve of who I am because I'm not like how she would have raised me. She says things to that effect all the time.
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Thing is, she didn't raise you and it doesn't matter HOW she would have raised you, as that cannot be recaptured. Therefore, it is neither here nor there. Your bmom seems as though she cannot come to terms with this, but it is her issue to deal with.
It could very well be that you have little (or next to nothing!) in common with your bmom, and no matter how hard you try to get her approval, she will always be this way. I really think she is playing games with you (why anyone enjoys to purposely get a rise out of someone else is beyond me, but lots of people are like this) and if you want a relationship with her, you will need to set limits with her, and if she thinks you are walking out for good, so be it. If she does things that make you uncomfortable, you may think about telling her you are not comfortable and if she keeps it up, you will end the visit and then follow through. If it's too much work setting these kinds of boundaries, you may decide it's not worth it to even pursue a relationship. It's so hard to figure out, I know, but as a bmom, I can't imagine talking this way to my child (when/if I get to reunite with him). Then again, I don't talk to ANYONE that way. It's just not in my character.
Maybe your relationship with bmom will be more of a card/email/occasional lunch type of relationship, maybe she will see the damage she is doing and correct it, or maybe you won't have a relationship at all in the long run. If she is not willing to look at some of her issues and at least meet you half way, I'm not sure how you can keep taking it!