[JustPeachy]

I remember at the time of relinquishment, the grief was something I had never experienced. My mom compared it to a "death" and I remember thinking that yes, it did feel like a death, but I had the consolation that my son was alive. Somewhere.

However, I have read that as traumatic as actual death of a child is, there is a finality to it that isn't there in adoption. You know that child is not coming back and the reality of that can be faced, hard as it may be. As much as I was able to express myself in therapy, or with friends who understood, it wasn't the same as being able to grieve openly, have some kind of formalized social acceptance around the loss, receive support from all sides, and be able to complete the grieving process. I think the literature says bmoms can end up feeling in limbo with their grief and have a harder time processing it precicely because the child is still alive.

I was lucky in that I was never called a whore, but, like you, several of the hospital staff treated me badly, some people said terrible things about me, both behind my back and to my face, and you are expected to get over it and go back in the closet, even if you do try to be open about your feelings.

Still, I have always received some comfort in knowing that my son was alive in the world. Also, I did get updates, which helped tremendously, as did professional therapy. But the grief, well, I do think in some ways it's worse with adoption, though I really don't like to compare pain as everyone processes grief differently.