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Hi,
We have six adopted internationally. This is the order by which we adopted.
1st, new born
2nd, age three
3rd, age five
4th, new born
5th, age 7
6th, age 9
all those not new born from orphanges.
We know enough about our kids past that we have #1,3,4, and 5 as first borns. Have not found the age to which their placement into our family really make any difference. Much will have to do with the will and disposition of the child. Our 7 and 9 year old were like kindergarten level out of Bulgaria. This made our 9 year old not be the leader of the pack. So there was no confrontation regarding age. I think much has to do with what went on in the orphanage. I can see a leader type entering a home of younger children and just size itself being the provailing factor that determines the mind set of the child as he is boss or leader. The biggest thing we have found is allowing no child of any age be a main care giver of the others. The first two years it must be the parents meeting basic needs for bonding to transfer. Our children bonded naturally with this thought in mind. I will say though that although all our children bonded within 6 months, with our child age 7 who took 2.5 years. Our 9 year old son never bonded and unfortunately, after six years, we had to place him with a family that worked with him one on one who were older and had adopted previously from Bulgaria and raised four kids. Our hopes were that he would bond to a significant other adult so that his personal well being would be developed and society would have a productive citizen to not have to be watching after. Unfortunately at the age of 18 now, after three years with this couple, he shows little progress of inner heart change and bonding. God has His hand on our son though and it may take many many more years before change occurs deeply. Our son was the fifth child to his birth parents. Biggest thing I can tell you is every older adopted child has choices and not to expect that your decisions of raring an older child are the only ones that determine the bonding. I saw each older child make the inner decision of "this is my new mom and dad and my brothers and sisters". This comes out in daily interaction and a certain level of obedience. All our other children have bonded deeply with us and their siblings.
So birth order did not do much. With the sibling group you are considering being older then your present children, you must understand how vital it is not to assume safety of your younger children with the older kids until you know your new kids inside and out.
I have lots to say about attachment disorder but this is not your main concern at present it seems. Hope this helps a bit.
tenacious_mom
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