[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by elledarcy

We feel like it will be best to tell her how we feel and set some boundaries. But, I also don't want to hurt her feelings or be like, "we're E’s parents, not you!" But I feel like if we don't say something now then the whole relationship is just going to sour over time.

I think your quote above is exactly how you should start that conversation. Perhaps you could also say, "And if there is something bothering you that you would like to get off your chest, then please do so now so that we can work together on a solution"

I think it is probably best to decide a name together NOW rather than "thinking of something better down the road". That way everyone knows how to refer to bmom and bmom feels comfortable referring to herself on paper and in person.

With the extended family, you're so right....there is really nothing you can do as you cannot control other people. My DH's mom refers to DS by his full name rather than his shortened name because she doesn't believe in nicknames. Whatever. She can call him what she likes in her own home, but in mine and in front of DS she has been told to call him what WE call him.

I think the same would apply to you. They may call her L all they would like in their own homes and to people they talk to, but when in the presence of your daughter they should call her E as that is her name. And you have every right to expect that.

I think a request on your part to meet with biodad NOW would make things easier. It just beats the issue to the punch rather than waiting to see when he'll show up somewhere....that's just nerve-wracking. Then you can have your own talk about boundaries with him so you are on the same page and he is not getting ALL his info from birthmom. Perhaps have a relationship with him separate from birthmom is best. He can have his own updates and expectations.

I think you are entitled to your feelings and I don't think any of biomom's actions are malicious or that she is to be held responsible for her family's actions.

But I think what you wrote here was very respectful and sensitive and should be exactly what you present to her.

Good Luck!

Kim