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Wow ... getting rid of guilt. Is it realistic guilt for something you've done wrong, or is it false guilt?
First, what you did was completely normal. Remember, you bonded with your bmother. That bond started before birth, and immediately upon birth you were ripped away from her. She wasn't just your mother, she was your universe, she was all you knew, and then she was gone. You don't remember it with your conscious mind but it has been a part of you ever since. Babies have no way to grieve this loss, so it was turned inward and buried. If you are the typical compliant adopted child it was buried good and deep. I remember thinking, at one point of my reunion journey, that I would never have believed I could contain so much pain and grief, and not know a thing about it.
So you needed to search. Your inner mind knew this, even if your conscious mind didn't. It kept prodding till finally you took action. You needed to remake the bond that was broken so long ago. Never mind if it was possible, if your bmother was still alive, if she wanted or was able to have that kind of relationship with you. You needed to try. You needed the closure of knowing who she is or was, of knowing you did all you could to find and heal the broken pieces.
Everything you do will affect someone in some way. Good, bad, or a mixture. The reunion journey is no different ... happiness and completion for one can mean pain and resentment for another. The thing to remember is this: you were a baby when this happened to you. You were the one person in all this who had absolutely no say in what was going on, and you were the one most affected by it all. It was done for you and to you. Now you are all grown up and you have the ability and the right to make the attempt to mend what was broken. This has nothing to do with your afamily. It doesn't matter if they're good people who love you or not. The need to find bfamily has nothing to do with them. Saying you should be satisfied with your wonderful afamily is like saying you just had a good meal so why should you be thirsty.
Your aparents will come to know this, as time goes on and your relationship with them continues unchanged. It will just take them a little time to understand. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. As far as your bsibs are concerned, you can't control how they react to a situation. They had the option of being interested, even curious, as my bbrothers were, and welcoming you to the extended family, or getting themselves all worked up because mom had a secret she didn't share with them.
Your bmother going overboard ... well, that's perfectly normal too. When I met one of my bbrothers the same thing happened ... we are so much alike we bonded the instant we met. He was all I could think about for months, and he felt the same way about me. But things settled down and we have a great relationship. My abrothers think my bbrothers are fine and have welcomed them, in their low-key way, into the family. Part of this may have stemmed from the way we were raised. Anyone who was at the table was considered family in one way or another ... it was very inclusive and accepting, so when I began to find various members of my bfamily my afamily just set another place at the table.
Let your bfamily work its own dynamics out in its own way. You can't change anything in any case, and you don't have to apologize for existing. Take it slowly, let them make their own decisions, and don't agonize over it. It's not your doing and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Some people can't stand a little rocking of their personal boat. Others welcome the change. Either way, it's their choice, not your responsibility.
Jane
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