[Whirled_Peas]

I'm a stepmom and a biomom, so I've been on both sides of the "Who do they look like game."

The (step)kids would frequently talk about who they looked like at the dinner table. Over the years that got harder and harder. Especially when I was wanting a baby and we had to put the making on hold. The worst time was when our daughter and my husband were playing this back and forth word game, "Daughter," "Father," "Daughter," "Father..." Our son looked at me, wanting to start up the same game with me, except he called me, "Father." I just said I didn't want to play and did the best I could to not cry. Had he called me stepmom or my first name or whatever, that would have been fine, but he called me father.

I also have had a lot of people tell me the kids look like me. Don't see it, though we do all have white skin. I just say thank you and leave it at that.

Then I made a baby. I joined the mom/baby group and we all sat around talking about pregnancy and birth. For awhile. (It does stop as you get further from the event.) But I had to stop the talks prematurely..or at least my part in them. See, I had the labor everyone dreams of. Four hours total start to brith, only uncomfortable for an hour, pushed the last hour and that part didn't hurt at all. So, here were all these women who were grieving having had a c-section or hours and hours of pain only to end up with an epidural or whatever. Since we all had our babies with nurse-midwives, this was a particularly motivated group to do what I did (at the age of 43.) It was really hard for me because I wanted to talk about all the things I missed out on...braiding my hair, making scones during early labor to give sustenance to the midwife, etc. It may sound stupid here to grieve those things, but I did. I also knew how lame it sounded to someone who labored for 24 hours then had a c-section, so I kept my mouth shut. But it was really hard because I had stuff I wanted to talk about and I didn't feel it was fair to others to hear my story or I didn't think they'd have compassion for me when they heard what I was upset about. (And yeah, I know how minor that stuff was, but it was real for me.) Also, even though it was minor, it also kept me from sharing my joy. I wanted so much to talk about my birth and felt constrained. That wasn't pretty.

I don't have any words of advice other than to say the pregnancy/birth talk will slow down a lot as the babies get older. On the other hand, when I did meet someone who had an adopted baby, I loved to hear their stories. This was particularly true since I knew my age meant we'd probably adopt our second "together child."

So, best I can think of is, "Suck it up." It's what I had to do and will have to continue to do. It's hard, but at least you got your babies. And the isolation that comes with babies and SAHM is overwhelming. mothering.com forums really helped me a lot. We EC, so that yahoo group was also great. MDC has so many groups you can join. I even just discovered one for mothers who are writers. There's also one on meal planning--which you'll probably need with twins. I do prefer this adoption group, I find it's more gentle.

And do a join a playgroup. The other thing I grieved was delivering in a birthcenter rather than at home. But if I had done a home birth, I would not have joined the mom/baby group and that group meant so much to me. I eventually decided I got the better choice--birthcenter with group versus homebirth without group.

And congratulations on your twins. I'm jealous you got a match. (I know you probably have your jealousies, but do know that people out here are jealous of you.)