[sdncfn]

I am an actress as well and when I became pregnant, I was terrified that I would never get my big break. I know that is a completely selfish thing to think! Especially since I have always wanted kids, but I felt that at the point I was at in my life, I couldn't even take care of a child. It made me feel better to realize that my decision for adoption wasn't solely based on my selfishness, but on other factors such as my wanting a better life for my baby. My family was the same way. My mom wanted to keep the baby, take over parental rights, and raise her. However I knew it wasn't the healthiest thing for me nor her nor the child. I did have to sit down with her and have a very long talk about my feelings and why I considered adoption and she finally listened to me and understood my side. I did even see a counselor who said that what my mom was proposing wasn't the healthiest decision. I did give my daughter a better life and I am so happy that I did. Of course, it is hard at first. Very hard. Being a birth mother is something that you don't just "get over" it isn't a "phase". You always long for that child and think about that child. It's a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly.

They seem to think that absolutely nothing will change; that they can just raise it as the guardians and I can go on my way and do whatever I want and it wont be weird at all. But I know that that can't be the case. I know that I'll end up feeling guilty that I could be here to raise it, but I wont be because truthfully, I know that I can't raise it, nor do I want to give up on my entire life. And this will also result in my boyfriend feeling confused as well. Things will never be the same and the child will be just as confused, if not at first then at some point. There's also the matter of telling the wonderful adoptive parents, though I know that I shouldn't be thinking of them first. That's just another thing.

That's what my mom thought before I had a long talk with her. I sat down and asked her, "Mom, do you really think that nothing will change?" She said that nothing would, but then I explained to her that I would have to go through life acting as though my child was my sibling. My mom would have to start by raising an infant all over again when my sister and I are teenagers and our house wouldn't be big enough for another baby. She eventually realized that things would change big time. I think parents love the idea of raising a child again, especially their first grandchild. Maybe you should sit down and talk with your mom.

On the other hand, I know that I'll miss it when it goes away no matter what. My mother keeps saying "If you think you'll miss it then you can't give it away" but that doesn't make much sense to me because OF COURSE I'm going to miss it, but it could very well be the right thing. I mean, even though my family would love it, it's going to be very confusing. My mother has a very short temper and is very paranoid, as well as has diabetes, severe back problems, and heart problems. My father is a trucker who's out working quite a bit. My eight year old brother is positively crazy and has ADHD and is a great big hassle. My sister has... well.. her own things. And i know there's going to be extreme difficulty that they aren't seeing. But if I give it away not only do I have to deal with my own depression, I have to deal with watching the grief they go through, which I don't want them to go through. Grief as they take the things they bought for him and give them away. As we all come home with nothing.

Any birth mother misses their child, but that isn't a reason to base your decision on. I'm not going to lie -- it's very painful. You have to do what you think is best for yourself and your child. You have to consider your family situation, talk to your family and see their views and their decisions (including siblings, if they're old enough) and base your decision on that as well as your feelings.

Good luck.