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Someone once posted that if you have to choose between attachment and "habits" that you choose to change later...always choose attachment. I've found it to be good advice.
My daughter grieved terribly when she came home and it sounds like your son may be too. The fact that he isn't sleeping even in your arms leads me to believe that this isn't just about sleep, but about being very vigilent in his new environment. I think that all the standard recommendations about getting enough sleep, routines, etc are great, a lack of sleep causes our bodies to produce cortisol to stay awake and then that same cortisol keeps us awake. Sleep does beget sleep, so anything to help him sleep in the short term can help break the cycle. I would also wear/carry him as much as possible and help him feel safe. The book The No Cry Sleep Solution has terrific non CIO suggestions.
When my daughter first came home, I would always ask myself, "if she were with a baby sitter, would I be okay with them managing things this way?" And a babysitter who allowed my child to be alone, without comfort, while she cried and cried because she missed me, wouldn't be invited back. To our children, when they are first home, WE are the strangers, and they are missing their "mommy.'' My desire, and it sounds like it's yours too, was to comfort and nurture until it didn't hurt anymore.
The best to you and your family,
Susan
Mommy to a three year old who was a terrible sleeper for a year and who now sleeps very well although I really wish she needed more sleep...I do!
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