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Thanks everybody for the advice.
I'm going in for the c-section this Saturday and I find myself confused and utterly depressed. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel as though in either case, I will end up regretting it for the rest of my life. On the one hand I can keep this child in my family. They seem to think that absolutely nothing will change; that they can just raise it as the guardians and I can go on my way and do whatever I want and it wont be weird at all. But I know that that can't be the case. I know that I'll end up feeling guilty that I could be here to raise it, but I wont be because truthfully, I know that I can't raise it, nor do I want to give up on my entire life. And this will also result in my boyfriend feeling confused as well. Things will never be the same and the child will be just as confused, if not at first then at some point. There's also the matter of telling the wonderful adoptive parents, though I know that I shouldn't be thinking of them first. That's just another thing.
On the other hand, I know that I'll miss it when it goes away no matter what. My mother keeps saying "If you think you'll miss it then you can't give it away" but that doesn't make much sense to me because OF COURSE I'm going to miss it, but it could very well be the right thing. I mean, even though my family would love it, it's going to be very confusing. My mother has a very short temper and is very paranoid, as well as has diabetes, severe back problems, and heart problems. My father is a trucker who's out working quite a bit. My eight year old brother is positively crazy and has ADHD and is a great big hassle. My sister has... well.. her own things. And i know there's going to be extreme difficulty that they aren't seeing. But if I give it away not only do I have to deal with my own depression, I have to deal with watching the grief they go through, which I don't want them to go through. Grief as they take the things they bought for him and give them away. As we all come home with nothing.
****it. I just don't know what to do. And I don't have much time.
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