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Originally Posted by loveajax
We had a visit with DD's birth parents and sisters a little over a month ago (remember, DD's sisters do not know that she is their sister). I thought it was a great visit (though there were some odd things too). In any event, after the visit I emailed pix back and forth to DD's birth mom. I was a little late getting our quarterly update to her so I sent her an email apologizing and telling her my dad was in the hospital, etc.
I usually hear from her after I send an update but didn't hear anything (it's been about a month).
I got an email from her yesterday in which she asked how everyone was doing and said she had been quiet because she needed time to heal after the visit (that I get). But then she said, "[Oldest DD] has cried like ten times since then wanting to see [my DD] and says it's my fault she can't see her. And [younger DD] keeps looking so much like her."
I felt so sad, but then I just got kind of angry because I feel like she is A) lying about her oldest DD's reaction (why would she cry about a kid she sees once a year and doesn't know is her sister...too weird...) and B) being manipulative (wanting more visits by making me feel like her kid is sad). DH is apoplectic and now has said sort of "I told you so..." (He only wanted to stick exactly to our original OA agreement).
Before you ask why not more visits, well...it's not happening (partially because of DH's wishes but partially because of my feelings on it but partially because of the "secret" aspect). So what the heck do I do or not do here? DH says that I shouldn't respond and I'm almost tempted not to (and just give our quarterly update which is due in like 6 weeks). I really don't even know HOW to respond to something like this, you know? If I was going to be honest, I would say, "I'm sorry you are sad but I feel like you are also being manipulative and please stop." (That would go over well, eh?). Any advice is really appreciated.
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It would be really hard for me to make attempts for more visits in this environment of secrecy as well. It's just not healthy for anyone but especially the children involved. Full disclosure would have to be a part of the deal for us.
Could it be that her daughters are realizing a connection and their grief/feelings stem from knowing something is going on, and not really knowing what? Kids are more perceptive than any of us give them credit. I know with DD we've struggled because her other family is in such chaos and our last visit you could read the sadness on everyone. Everyone was trying to be all happy and not dwell on the hard stuff for the kids' sake, but after we left DD asked me... What was wrong with K (her other mom) and S (her sister)? This from a child who has only seen her other mom in person three times (and this visit was the first that I know she'll remember in detail because of her age) and her sister four times. She knew something was up. She didn't know what. But she knew. So maybe they're picking up the fact that this is more than about a "playdate"...this is about sisterhood. I would really address this with your DD's other mom, and see what she thinks.