[ricabeau]

this seemed the most appropriate place to post this so here it goes...

Background: I have a 2 year old bio daughter and 1 year old adopted daughter (they are 14 months apart). Long story short, my younger sister got pregnant unexpectantly, didn't want to be a Mom and agreed to adoption by my husband and I. When the baby (C) was born my husband and I were first to hold her. I stayed the night in the hospital with her (and my sister) and I attended to ALL of her needs. C came home with us and my sister was not allowed contact with her for the first month to help ease bonding (My bio daughter was a preemie and I know all to well the power that a bio-mom's scent can have on an infant). Flash forward... she is 15 months old now. My sister spends some time with her and has bonded with her in a way that is appropriate for her role as aunt.

Problem: C is a screamer and is addicted to me!!! From the moment she was born she would scream unless she was being held. The night she was born I slept in a chair craddling her because that was the only way the three of us could get any rest. After a week at home she turned into a really good sleeper at night but from the time she would wake up in the morning (between 6am-8am) until she went down for the night (about 11PM) she would scream (almost non-stop) unless she was eating or napping. Holding her would help in the early parts of the day but in the latter half even that didn't help. By about 4 months old she had settled into a routine similar to her sisters, which meant she was going to bed at 7:30pm. This helped, but she would still spend the majority of her waking hours screaming. The doctor's said it might be collic but were reluctant to make an official diagnosis because she slept so well. The screaming would have the whole family stressed out so our system for dealing with it from the time she was about 3-4 weeks old was this: If she could be comforted, we would do our best to comfort her (I am a SAHM and Dad works alot so mostly it was me doing the comforting). If she couldn't be comforted (I mean she would literally be pushing us away) we would kill 2 birds with one stone and put her in her room for Tummy-time. Then at 6 months she started crawling and the screaming eased up a little during the day but the evenings were still a total nightmare. Up until this point she had been a total mommies girl but now it FINALLY seemed as though she had developed an attachment to my husband as well and we even thought she might end up being a daddie's girl. Well then she went and got sick; nothing serious just a stomache flu. But then over the course of the next 2-3 months both of my girls were sick a total of 8 times each (I know that's alot but I do keep a clean house and we all practice safe and healthy hygene habits. It was just a fluke from having a toddler and baby together combined with the fact that we receive regular visits from 3 grandparents and 1 aunt who either work in customer service or health care and everyone kept getting everyone else sick during winter). Anyway as soon as she got sick all she wanted was mommy and refused anyone else. Daddy tried to help but she would repeatedly reject him until he was so hurt that he kinda gave up.

Where we are now:
*She only wants Mom, all of Mom, all of the time. I give both of my girls alot of attention as I am a SAHM, but I also have time during the day where I need to get things done and the girls are expected to entertain themseleves. I have a pretty good routine and this time is usually the same each day (after breakfast) so they should both be pretty used to it. It doesn't make a difference though. Almost anytime I am not giving C attention she is screaming. The only exception to this is when I am away from her (she is at grandma's/Auntie's or Mommy is not home). She has almost nothing to do with my husband unless I am gone. While he could always make an even greater effort I think he has made a fair effort to bond with her. It's breaking my heart and I am concerned that this is is possibly the beginning of what might turn out to be a bigger problem with the two of them especially since I am biologically related to her (Biomom is my sister) and my husband is not. I am trying to help him bond with her but my ideas are limited and she is resistant and we also have to make sure that our 2 year old is getting her share of attention as well.
*I am also concerned with how she is developing socially. This has actually made it difficult for everyone in our family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) to bond with her with the exception of myself and my MIL. She can be so difficult and while I believe she is an overall happy child, she doens't openly express it in a way that is rewarding to those who are making an effort to please her. Her forms of expression are limited. Anything displeasing results in a shrieking scream that resembles a newborn's hunger cry. It is extremely difficult to get her to laugh or even smile and I think it's wearing on everyone. Myself and my MIL are the only people who seem to really be able to handle her for any length of time. I can't leave her in the nursery at church. When we have play dates with other children, even though my other daughter is involved as well, C seems to almost go out of her way to avoid being around the other children. I know at this age they don't really play too much with each other but she seems to almost make a conscience effort to avoid it. I am especially concerned because her personality and temperment greatly resemble my sister (her biomom) at that age, and my sister had social problems her entire life that effected every aspect of her life (including eduation) and were made a great deal worse by the way others (adults as well as children) responded to her.

I only want what's best for her but I am at my wits end here. It is hard enough to deal with her screaming all the time along with taking care of a rambunctious two year old, but then I have to deal with my grumpy husband (who you could say is my 1st baby =) because he has to come home from a long hot day at work only to listen to the screaming of a child who (as he would put it) wants nothing to do with him. The situation would be difficult enough if she were our biological child, but it's even more challenging because she is not. I think my husband worries she will never love him, and the rejection makes him bitter and resentful. I worry about them both; his feelings of rejection now and her possible feelings of rejection in the future.

Our firstborne was a preemie and spent the first two months of her life in the NICU, so she has always been somewhat independent, yet she has a healthy attachment to both of us, so we are swimming in uncharted territories here and I could really use some advice or encouragment regarding both my daughter and husbands relationship and my daughter's social developement. IS this a real problem or am I being overly concerned and will it work itself out on it's own?