Dear Carolyn,
Hi.
Quote:
Things were starting to get a little better when my mother suddenly died in May. My bmom said we needed to talk about boundries (which we have not yet-she said when things settled down). I don't know if she felt like I was going to expect her to fill in my mom's shoes, or I had just spent about $50 on her for her birthday which she felt very uncomfortable about.
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Do you think it might be possible that she's reacting out of fear? Perhaps she is afraid of your grief; that in grieving your mom - your bmom might think you're going to take that grief out on her. Not that you would but this may be her
perception of what could happen. When we are frightened our mind takes us to all kinds of place. Trust me, I've been there a lot lately.
Also, it could be that as she witnesses you grieving your mom, it may bring up her issues of grief over you; issues that have been long buried. It may be that she's hiding that pain from herself even though she may have told you (and herself) that she's dealt with it.
I have found that I am guilty of this very much lately, since coming to terms with the surrender of my two children. I have been "all over the place" emotionally and it has caused me to overreact to innocent things.
If you bmom is a private person then the thought of losing control of her emotions may be driving her to distance herself. Also, there may be the underlying fear of making any mistakes with you at this difficult time that she feels may ruin what the two of you have.
I want to be respectful of her and give her any space or support that she may be feeling in all of this. So I would love to hear if any of you have experienced this or how you may feel so I can be mindful of her feelings in all of this.
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How about perhaps writing her a letter and enclosing it in a nice card? Tell her how you feel and reassure her that you still want to pursue a relationship with her. Oftentimes, sending someone a letter through the mail gives them the safety of distance and they can read and reread the letter and get a chance to think on it a while.
That may be one thing you can do so that you get your message to her across without feeling like you're intruding.
I hope this helps in some small way.
Wishing you a wonderful day,
Janey