I absolutely agree with you about the system being broken - I'm sure you won't find anyone on either side that would dispute that. Just to give you a little more info on my FS, no, there was no family opposition or infighting. When his mom died, sadly there was no one willing to take him except for one very unhealthy uncle. By the time he was 14 the healthy members of the family would not taken him because "he's too messed up". Really, they were right - he was WAY beyond what most people could/would take on at that point. But his mom died when he was 6, so it's a crying shame they weren't there all those years in between...the family flat out refused to take him at that point, although they DID petition the court NOT to allow the uncle to have him (but the judge gave him to the uncle anyway). It would have actually been much better if he'd been adopted at age 6. Now, the younger SIBLINGS....THEY were adopted by family after being if foster care for a year and a half. And it is an admitted fact that the family was only willing to take them because "they aren't messed up yet" - which they are, but I digress...Anyway, that's our situation and each one is different.
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Originally Posted by RobinKay
"try before you buy" is what I see on this site--people who want children so they go into foster-adopt. If it doesn't work out, they can give that child back to the system to try another family. Bio families do not have that option.
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But on this part I REALLY do have to disagree with you. I've truly never seen anyone doing that here, and I have to say that if it does happen, it is just as easy for the birth family to do. You can see in the situation with my son that is exactly what the family was doing - selectively choosing which ones were too messed up- and before an adoption is finalized, THEY can still change their minds and give a child back as well. I wouldn't fault anyone in that situation, since some children really, truly are too damaged to function in a family situation. Heck, go over to the Special Needs Adoption forum, and you'll see that there are even people who HAVE adopted and then been forced to place a child in a treatment center, or therapeutic foster care, etc. Since they have to pay (often thousands of dollars per month) out of pocket for that, obviously they would not unless the child was truly a danger to himself and the rest of the family. If you can point out any real example of "tire kicking", where a fost/adopt family took in a child and then gave him back for frivolous reasons, I'd be very, very suprised. Here's another twist on that- Foster-Adopt families are often more prepared to deal with the big issues, going into it with eyes wide open. I wouldn't be suprised if there are more RELATIVE adoptions where someone takes on a child out of a sense of family obligation, and finds they are in for much more than they had originally thought.