[carolynppk]

I want to be mindful and considerate of my bmom's feelings, and while I know what you all may feel, she may not, I always find it helpful to hear from others that have walked a similar path, especially since I have not been down that road.

I have been in reunion for a little over three years now with my bmom. She has meet my mom and they have shared a relationship with occasion cards, letters and small gifts at Christmas and birthdays.

My mother got sick in January and I noticed (at least in my perception) my birth mother pulled back. Things were starting to get a little better when my mother suddenly died in May. My bmom said we needed to talk about boundries (which we have not yet-she said when things settled down). I don't know if she felt like I was going to expect her to fill in my mom's shoes, or I had just spent about $50 on her for her birthday which she felt very uncomfortable about.

Things are okay, in that we are writing to one another about once a week. Things are very surface, nothing deep. I wear my emotions on my sleave, she holds things in (which after all she went through with me-she was 15 when she got pregnant, 16 when she had me back in 1965, I fully understand!!) I don't ask her about how it seems as if she has pulled away because I don't want to come across as "needy". I am afraid if I say, "You seem to have pulled back, is everything okay?" It will be a strain on her, with her feeling, "I am doing everything I can right now and you want more than I can give you", thus pushing her further away. Does that make sense?

I guess what I am rambling on about is trying to understand what she may be feeling or going through with the death of my mother. She never met my father, as he had passed away before I contacted her, so she knows both my parents are gone. She calls my children her grandchildren, but is very adimant (sp?) that my mother is my mom, she is who raised me,not her. Which I understand what she is saying. I, however, feel that I have two mom's each special in their own right. I want to be respectful of her and give her any space or support that she may be feeling in all of this. So I would love to hear if any of you have experienced this or how you may feel so I can be mindful of her feelings in all of this. I am sure that time and space are the answer, let her know I am not going anywhere and let her take this at her own pace, but it sure would help to have an understanding of what she may be feeling in all of this.

Thank you for sharing.

Carolyn

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