[LyricallyUnsound]

Well, I guess I should tell my story first. I'm 17 years old , just finished my senior year of high school, and became pregnant last October, about a month after my 16th birthday. I have never really liked or planned on having children in my entire life. My boyfriend, 20, and I have been together for two years and a few months, and he's been with me completely throughout this not so wonderful time in my life. We were safe in everything we did, but apparently we're very unlucky people.

It's been a rough time. I've cried more than I've ever cried in my entire life, but I didn't drop out of high school and I continued with my musical theater career, being in about four shows throughout the pregnancy (Though at this point, about 37 weeks, I'd rather kill myself than do anymore dancing or singing. Hehe.) It's helped me get through it a bit more.

I guess that's really cutting the story quite short. There's really a lot more I could say, probably, but I don't think it matters. Here's my current situation:

My family really doesn't want me to give the child up for adoption. They want to keep it, and have told me they'd raise it in this tiny little house that we have. I know for a fact that this is not the best thing for him, and not only that, but, at the risk of sounding selfish, it's not the best thing for me either. They've made me feel really guilty. Though technically they've been supportive in the fact that they haven't kicked me out, killed my boyfriend, taken me to all my appointments and so on, they haven't been supportive on the whole giving him up for adoption front. It's been a very big ordeal, a lot of mental stress on me, a lot of fighting, and now my parents and my boyfriend are fighting. *Sigh* My mother especially just won't let it go, and it's brought up every day. So many different fights have occurred that I'm surprised I haven't gone into early labor.

Anyway, this is probably more than anyone cares to hear and I apologize. Where I'd really like some support or advice or anything you can give me comes up right about now, I swear. Last week, Matt and I, through the help of his sister-in-law, talked with a great couple from upstate (I live in New York) and I got a really great vibe for them. They are going to love him so much. I know I waited a while, but it's just been so hard (I hope that doesn't sound stupid) and I didn't have a clue what to do until we got his sister-in-law's help. Basically, the thing is, that I know I said I don't like kids, and that's because I don't, and I know I said I've never wanted them, and that's because I don't, but I guess that whole "You'll feel differently because it's yours" thing is getting to me. I look at all these clothes my mom bought for him and I start breaking down. I can't stop crying.

I'm afraid of what will happen in about two and a half weeks, after I have the c-section, and I see him. I guess maybe that I'll want to change my mind and not sign the papers... but I know that I can't do that. I know it wouldn't be right, because I just know that it's better for him if I give him up, no matter how hard it is. I guess I'm afraid of what a wreck I'm going to be, and how I'm going to survive after this. They've agreed to letting this adoption be as open as we want it, and that helps in a way, because at least I'll always know he's alright. But what if it just makes it harder? I'm afraid I won't be able to stop crying in the hospital room, that I'll hold him and I'll cry all over him and scare him in the first and only time he sees me, and that I'll come home and everyone will be all dismal and depressed that he didn't come home, and again all I'll do is cry. There's also so many things that my mother brought because she's so convinced it's going to be hear... so many baby things.

I guess I'd just like some advice on how to deal with this, if at all possible. Or just any support at all. I know that there are people on here who have probably gone through things just as difficult and definitely more difficult. If anyone could advise me as to how to not fall apart, I'd really appreciate it.