[Isabo]

(((((Mommy2131227))))),

I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your child in the DELIVERY room. That was completely inappropriate. You should have, at the very least, had time alone with your child in your hospital room, if you were committed to leaving the hospital without your child. I hope that you were given the opportunity to spend as much time with your child as you wanted to, and that you were not rushed into saying goodbye. I am also sorry that your parents were not there for you, and that you only had an agency worker to support you. However, I am glad that the adoptive parents have honored their commitment to you to stay in contact.

Kim,

The attorney that you worked with had a conflict of interest and should have advised you that he could not represent both you and the adoptive parents unless you waved the conflict. If you waved the conflict, he did a terrible job of advising you and protecting your rights. Either way, it sounds like he was negligent and or unethical in his contact with or representation of you. From your story, it sounds like you signed the papers BEFORE you gave birth. Is that accurate? If so, I have never heard of any state where a mother can legally sign binding papers before birth. Also, I would love to see the statute that prevents you from searching for or having contact with your minor child simply because you relinquished your parental rights. The law simply does NOT provide that first parents are restrained from contacting or speaking with children they have conceived, unless there is a restraining order put in place due to dangerous or threatening behavior. The information you were given sounds like the typical misinformation campaign waged by many adoption agencies and adoption attorneys when dealing with first parents. Personally, I was told I had 6 MONTHS to change my mind, when actually I only had 3 weeks to file paperwork necessary to fight to reinstate my rights, with another 3 week appeal period provided. You were lied to, plain and simple, just as I was. I am sorry about that.


Wonderingkatie84,

I admire your project and your desire to help first parents. I would also like to see you investigate the information the adoption agency you are interning with provides to expectant parents BEFORE relinquishment and the amount of pro- relinquishment "coaching" these expectant parents receive versus how much time is spent exploring resources for them to parent. IMO, Expectant parents working with an agency generally expect the agency to provide them with all information necessary for them to make an informed decision. IMO, an adoption agency which fails to provide all information to expectant parents is acting coercively. The adoption agent who successfully worked to relieve me of my son spent exactly zero minutes discussing parenting with me. She was pro-relinquishment all the way, and there was no discussion with me about available parenting resources or any information about the grief and loss both my child and I would likely feel as the result of our separation. We need information before relinquishment, as well as after. In fact, I would have preferred information before relinquishment, if that was the only information given to me.

I am very sorry to hear that your sister is in the position where she feels that making an adoption plan is her best option. Where are your adoptive parents? Are they reaching out to her, offering her help? I hope that you are able to fully explore parenting and the grief and loss aspects of relinquishment with her BEFORE she signs any papers. I have lived with this loss for almost 30 years, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Finding out this information after relinquishment will do her little good, when it is too late to change her mind. Adoption works for some, but not all, by any means. My son says that some adoptees win the adoption lottery, but that he did not. Those are his words, not mine.

Thank you for the project you are doing. It is important.

Edited to add: I know I am not a younger first mom, but I thought it was important to point out how these moms who have given you their stories could have been treated much better and more fairly. In addition, please do not dismiss the stories of us older moms, even if we are not happy about our adoption experience. The fact that we are now speaking out about what happened to us is helping to "clean up" the industry a bit and keep agencies and adoption attorneys acting more honestly than they used to. It used to be that first parents had NO VOICE whatsoever. That is changing now, and that is a very good thing for younger moms and adoptees alike.