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Katie,
I applaud your for your efforts in putting together some resource information for moms considering adoption. I placed my son for adoption over 10 years ago through an agency and at that time there was little to no information for me to read up on and see how other girls in similar situations made their decisions and what the process was like for them.
I was barely 18 when I placed my son for adoption. I'd gotten involved with the wrong guy and knew that I wasn't ready to be a parent so adoption was the clear choice. The guy signed the papers relinquishing his parental rights.
I worked with a wonderful agency who not only houses pregnant teens that want to parent (and provides them with parenting classes) but those teens who want to place their child. When I was there the housing was full so I lived with one of the women from the adoption department. She herself was a birth mom in the 60's and had a much different experience than I but was a wonderful resource to help me through the process.
I was given the choice to have an open or closed adoption. I decided on a somewhat open adoption as I wanted to be able to have some type of contact with the adoptive parents after the birth. I then filled out a form that had all the things I was looking for in adoptive parents. This had everything from what state they lived into if they had pets. It was very extensive. I checked off only those things that were important to me.
Once that happened then I was given a stack of "Dear Birth mom" letters to read. There were so many and I happened to come across one and I just knew they were the perfect couple to adopt my baby. Once I'd chosen them they came to visit at the agency.
I asked them tons of questions and instantly felt at ease with them and loved them! They were so warm and had so many of the save values I had and grew up with. They even had a dog that was the same name as my childhood dog.
I was induced and at the last minute decided that the adoptive parents could be present in the room when our baby was born. They were so excited; they were jumping up and down and hugging me. I also decided that I wanted to have the adoptive mom hold him first and that I would hold him later. The labor was long and the adoptive father kept running to the bathroom to get me cold washcloths. He even let me hold his hand (which he swore I broke) during labor. Looking back it was wonderful having them and I wouldn't have changed it for anything!
After he was born we had some time together as a family and looking back I realize how important for us. We laughed, cried and really bonded. Then it came time to say good-bye. This was so incredibly hard I can't even being to explain it. They let me take as much time as I needed. The emotions ranged from happiness that it was finally all over to utter devastation that I wasn't going to see him until he'd had his 18th birthday. I told my son how much I loved him and that's why I made this decision. I told him I felt confident that we'd meet again someday soon. I gave him lots of kisses and wiped my tears from his face. His parents assured me that they'd send pictures and letters once a year around his birthday as we agreed. Just before I handed him back to his mom he opened his eyes for me and just stared at me. It was like he understood I was doing this because I loved him and it was all going to be ok - I know this sounds crazy but it's what got me through a lot of lonely nights later on.
When I was done saying good-bye they wheeled me out of the delivery room into my own room. This is when it really hit me and the grief started to overcome me. The tears flowed and I'd never felt so alone in my life. My parents while they supported my decision didn't know how to be there for me so they chose not to. I had no-one there for me that I really needed. Thankfully the social workers for the agency were and helped me through a lot of it, but it just wasn't the same as having family there.
Going back to 'normal' life was hard but each day was a new day and each day I became stronger. I went back to college and felt out of place with my classmates, they were carefree and had little worries. I wondered constantly how he was doing and prayed he was ok. I tried to find books that would help me deal with all the emotions I was going through, but again, everything I found was from back in the 70's and wasn't remotely similar to my experience.
About a month after he was born my parents decided they wanted to meet him. Through the agency the adoptive parents were contacted to see if this was something that they would agree to, and they welcomed the opportunity. It was a wonderful day but so hard saying good-bye again. Since that was the case I decided that I couldn't go through that again.
The pain never goes away and I think about him each and every day. What DOES help is knowing that he's so happy and so loved. The letters and the pictures I get each year around his birthday assure me of all of this. I feel that without those I would drive myself insane wondering how he is and how's he's doing. There is no truer saying than a picture is worth a thousand words.
11 years later I'm married and have a 1 year old daughter. The life I have today wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't made the choice I made back then. My daughter, like my son has a wonderful life. If I'd chosen to parent I don't know that my son would have a wonderful life. He would be loved, but sometimes that's just not enough.
I hope this helps you and again, I'm glad you're putting together something that has updated information for moms considering adoption as an option. I hope that books on the topic become more readily available and I'd be happy to share my story for publication if someone felt it'd be useful!
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