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I am sorry you are hurting. I am the mother of a son who is about your age and the mother of a daughter who is 11 and became my child thru adoption. I have to tell you that I allow her bdad to have fairly liberal visitation with her (we have NO formal or informal "agreements) because he has proven himself time and again over the years to have her best interests at heart. The primary way he has and does do this is by respecting me as her mother...he ASKS permission to talk with her or to visit...if the visit is not convenient, he NEVER mentions it to her (that he wanted to see her and I said no)...he refers to me as her mother and my husband as her father. He is very loving and dependable, rarely breaking a promise to her and then only for a really good, and well explained reason. All these things lay a foundation not only of trust, but demonstrate that he really does see her reality for what it is and validates it. On the other hand, my step-daughter (who is his exwife and the bio mother of my daughter) is the exact OPPOSITE. She does everything she can to undermine me (no so much their dad) and disrespects me. Both bios are in their 30's now and she still can't get it together. The bdad and I NEVER talk about bmom, and vice versa. You should not, in my opinion, say anything whatsoever about the bmom to any of the people in this child's like, as it will backfire. I urge you to get counselling, not because you are lacking or anything personal about you, but this is a complicated situation and the child is too precious to make "mistakes" with. This is why adoptive parents sometimes are fearful of contact with bioparents: We must protect our children from any threat to their emotional well-being, and unfortunately, sometimes that threat comes (however unintended it might be) from their birth parents. After several sessions with a counselor experienced in this area, you will not feel so badly, I'm sure. You will have tools with which to take your privilege of seeing your birthson seriously and appropriately, and if his parents don't allow it at this time, then you will have tools to cope with that. I wish you all the best.
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