[Jackiejdajda]

Denisesmom

So what do you mean when you say "I knew he knew who I was as I had told him a lot of my crappy bits and he still wanted a relationship.. it was equal after that.. ". What did you do for the year? Just stopped trying to communicate?

I stopped everything.. no cards no gifts and I just let him go..

I was on alt.adoption at the time posting like we post here and I told my friends that I was going to do it.. and they told me no.. do not cut him off.. But I did not cut him off.. I told him that I was here if he wanted to know me and he had my phone number..

What I did was tell myself that I had a life.. That he was okay and I had a life.. and I was terribly sick of worrying..
I would watch my emails I would think about him and what he was doing and if he was mad at me and why he was mad at me.. and what was wrong with me..
Circles..
I just stopped it.. and I gave him up again.. only this time I gave him up in order to save myself.. The last time was in order to save him..
Also I had done a lot of work on terms of loving myself.. and forgiving myself..
And understanding why I gave him up in the first place.. There was some stuff in me that was kicking back to the time I gave him up.. Triggers as the self help books say.. I would just go into that place in early reunion.. I would panic and go into the emotions of then..

I just said to me.. I am done with it..

He called.. and left a message on the phone in the middle of the nite..

It changed after that.. I had my own power after that.. there were no more “Now will you love me?” things happening..

I think the love we have for our relinquished sons and daughters is very complicated.. its full of so many emotions.. a love for a child.. a love for a dream a love for a unrequited thing.. Its emotion personified..
And when the contact gets wrong in early reunion we chew ourselves up.. or I did..

I can not fix it.. I could not fix it.. If he was angry with me so be it.. so be it..
I did my best and I can not go back and change it.. it’s done..

That is what I am doing. No more pushing, no asking. Just tit for tat. If she initiates contact I am giving back to the exact extent she is giving. I was telling this friend of mine that I have to have to protect myself too. I hope that does not sound selfish, but I have learned the hard way that when you are down and out you really only have yourself.

I think the core of it is one needs to understand that you can not go back and change a single thing..
Its impossible.. and if she is into some hard stuff.. and she is taking it out on you.. all you can do is wait till she is ready to communicate..
In twelve step program one of the steps is the making amends step.. saying you are sorry..
Yes you may have been forced to give her up and or circumstances may have forced it and so on and so on..
But the amends step is about you.. and what a person wants to ask for on terms of I am sorry I put you into these circumstances..
And or abandoned you.. what I went into for a while..

But then you do not do it again.. you do not abandon him or her again.. but you let them go and love them from afar..
You say you are sorry and then you do not do it again.. and get on with it..

Being alone, if I allow this to eat me up I will not be able to care for myself at all. Is that what you meant by having a sense of personal power?

I am who I am.. I am not ashamed of who I am.. even tho I was incredibly stupid in the days when I got pregnant with him and ran and lied and all that stuff.. I had to tell him I was into drugs for a long time.. I had to be who I do not think he liked very much..
I am a person that does not like showy wealth or dressing up to look good.. I am a person that does not like pretending with the world..
And I was worried that I would not fit in his world.. heck I would not fit in his world.. that is a done deal..

It’s the old codependent thing.. me being who I am not in order that he like me..
And feeling the rug pulled because of this..
And feeling ashamed of me because I was not a person that he could show off.. and who my mom would have liked.. who I did not measure up to and so on and so on..

I yam who I yam.. and when he called after that total cut off where he knew he could just take is info and get on with it and no problem what so ever.. I knew.. I could be who I really am with him and all is well..
Its such a strange thing this reunion thing.. strangers wanting to love one another and who have so much baggage on terms of each other.. its impossible if you stand back and really look at it.. and I am amazed when the reunion goes easy..
And in awe.. and happy for the ones that are into good stuff..

Its what keeps me coming back to boards like this.. this reunion that may or may not happen..

The human condition brought on by a simple solution all those years ago..
What the powers that be thought as a simple solution.. ha..

I feel better when I feel that I am protecting myself and not just being batted around by others.

You got to do it.. if you are in for the long haul..
It will make sure the reunion goes down.. If you stand in your own shoes and take care of you (all you can really do right) then she can take her time to sort what she needs to sort..

When I did my self help books thingee a few years back.. I read a group of words one says to a baby.. and the words that stuck out.. was..
“You have all the time you need to have your needs met.”

I think we need to do that for each other.. in reunion..

Jackie