[Jackiejdajda]

Denisesmom

I will tell you from a professionals heart that not until you are in the middle of all this do you really know the depth of pain that this can cause.

Its grief work to me..

I had gone 45 years, yes I wanted to know her, yes I was sad at times but I did not know the extent that trying not to feel the pain of the loss took on me emotionally and physically. I am now going through some the hardest times of my life.

I will post to the new ones just relinquishing that seeing a therapist is well and good but its about grief to me..
I used to wish I had had a Irish wake when I gave my son up in 1965.. Weeping and wailing and fighting and hugging..
But no.. I could not speak of my son.. I think that is when some of us are real damaged.. and it all comes to for in reunion.. (some as always..)

Just when I think I have gotten over somethinbg something new comes up. For instance, buying her a birthday card for the first time and actually having someone to send it to sent me into a tail spin for days.

I could not go into a store and buy gifts.. Toys for the grandbabies.. I could not do it.. I would walk in and walk out..
So what I did was go on the internet sites that sell toys.. and books.. and I sent them gifts after clicking buttons.. and filling in info..
It helps..

She had said I could call her on her birthday but when I did she would not answer the phone. So I had to leave a message on her phone. She wouldn't talk to me.

I would call my bson and I got a phone message of him and the kids saying wonderful cute things.. I ended up not able to call..
Took me out every time..

I can not understand why if the others don't invite her in she keeps pushing AND why she would take that out on me.

When it was early times for me in reunion I can remember telling myself to stay out of the negative thinking.. Just stop it..
Let the thing go down as it will.. and take care of me..

I haven't heard from her in a week and I probably won't again. (just how I feel) In many ways that would be easier than having her come in and out.

Look for the long haul.. Wating it to all happen at once is a fantasy.. Watch out for the fantasy..

I suppose there is anger at me for giving her up and I know she is angry at her mother for not telling her she was adopted (but I can't help that) but she is the one that says you must be adult and accept what is. (this because my other kids are estranged too because of their fathers hatred for me) Believe me this is a long convoluted story. Bottom line I know you are right. But how do you build trust and relationship if you don't have contact?

I went for a year with no contact.. I gave him up and said if you want to know me.. me who I am now (<my thinking) I am here..
Me with all my foibles and crappy bits.. etc

He called.. and after he called.. one year later.. I had a sense of my own personal power.. I knew he knew who I was as I had told him a lot of my crappy bits and he still wanted a relationship.. it was equal after that..

Jackie