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I will respond as an adoptive mom. I am sorry for what you are going through. Since the adoption is so new, both the adoptive parents and birthmothers are probably very emotional about the situation. Since you mentioned that you did not have a very good relationship with your child’s birthmother, is it possible she has counseled her family members against honoring their agreement to be open with you? If she has spoken ill of you (or mentioned some of your problems with school and the law) they may be hesitant to let you have contact with your son. They may also be afraid of damaging their relationship with her since they are her relatives and they probably feel more inclined to keep the bond with her in tact.
Have you spoken to the adoptive parents directly (not using your child’s birthmom as a go-between)? Consider writing them a letter or calling them to discuss things directly. If they don’t respond or want to shut down contact completely, you should start a journal for your son. Collect little items or gifts or letters for him in one place with the thought that one day you will be able to present these things to him.
We have an open adoption with our daughter’s birthmom and I know it would be difficult for her if we also had contact with him. As a mother though, I know I must do what is best for our child and if our daughter’s birthfather reached out to us, I would gladly enter into a relationship with him. Perhaps, over time, the adoptive family will see that a relationship with you is in the best interest of your child and your son’s birthmom will soften her view of you. Also, like others have said, getting your life together will go a long way to proving to everyone involved that you are ready and willing to be a positive part of your son’s life.
I wish you the best of luck.
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