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Originally Posted by Nthnzmmr
To anyone who cares,
I am currently a freshman who attends a great university in the Chicago area. (I prefer to remain anonymous because I am not quite ready to share my story with people. But maybe this is the first step.) I had come to school with high expectations, visions of virtuous accomplishment and a hunger to really dig in and work hard. All of my previous hard work had landed me in the position I had desired throughout my high school career. Life was GREAT!
It hit me like a truck. About 2 months into school, I found out that my high school girlfriend was pregnant. However, she did not tell me directly, I found out from one of my friends who attends the same school. I did call her to find out more about the issue and, since I did not believe her, the conversation turned out to have more accusations and arguments than anything else. (Not to insult her, but she did have quite a few partners in the past). This set the tone for our relationship throughout the pregnancy.
Ever since about 3 months ago, I had lived my life away from home in despair, wondering if I may or may not be a father at 19 years of age. My worst nightmare (in my mind) could come true. At school I had developed a drinking problem which landed me in the Dean's office and police station a few times, broken friendships through isolation and had not established a good reputation for myself. To this day I am still recovering from these things.
Paternity testing after my son was born was the only thing that allowed me to start accepting the situation. Of course I had started planning for the child's future before that and had decided to have his great- aunt and uncle on the birth mother's side adopt him. (Actually, it wasn't really my decision, the court favors blood related adoption, so I didn't have any say as to where my son would be placed.)
Here comes another problem. The adoptive parents are probably the most ideal people for the whole situation, in regard to my son. However, since they are blood relatives on the birth mother's side, they don't give me any credibility or respect. Their promises of an open adoption and contact with my little boy have thus far proven to be empty.(It has been almost 2 months since the adoption) Much of my anxiety comes from worrying about whether or not I will see my son again, and if so, an equal amount of time as the birth mother. I wonder as to what they will tell him about me (or if they will).
I have been so distraught after the adoption that I am still having trouble in school and am on the edge of a decision to drop out. I have pursued counseling for a while now and it has not seemed to place me in a positive direction. I also worry for my parents, who are hurting not only for the adoption, but because I am failing in many aspects of life.
If anyone could type any suggestions, comments or advice, I would be very grateful. (Maybe finding somebody with a similar situation to sympathize with would help as well...)
Thanks
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I heard from an adoption attorney that if a birth parent is promised an open adoption and you were induced into the adoption with the openness in mind, and then the adoptive family would not honor their heart commitment, that it could possible be challenged. I know adoption laws have changed in the last several months and I am not a lawyer. You know your baby is better off as you say. Perhaps it's hardest to see them getting along so well and you feel left out. Doing what is best for the baby is the most self-less thing you can do for the baby.
Challenging them at this point would only cause fear and insecurity in their family unit, and probably further ostricize you. If you went through an adoption agency? ask for their intervention. If you used an adoption attorney, I suppose you can't do that. You might write a letter stating that you gave the baby the best life you could by placing him/her with them. In doing so, as a parent, surely they understand the desire to see the baby is doing well in their home, that - that would bring comfort and peace to your heart. You are not desiring to step in and parent. You just want to know that the greatest gift of all, this baby, is alright and being able to see the baby once a year and get pictures two to three times a year - seeing the baby happy would be helpful to you.
If you were at all challenging about the adoption, the adoptive family may feel like you want the baby back, and they are bonded with the baby much like a momma bear is with her cub, they may be keeping distance to feel they are being protective.
Being open and honest and peaceful with them may bring them around. (And know your doing well, making good choices and decisions and are drug and alcohol free.)
Peace.