[elledarcy]

We're in an OA with our three-month old DD's birthmom so I know it's early yet, but I wanted to get some opinions on a question that's have been rattling around in my brain.

DD's birthmom, J, gave us the full name and some information (as well as medical information) about DD's birthdad, R. She also gave me her MySpace address and when I checked it, I saw R was listed in her friends. I followed the link to his page and checked it out. I got to see his picture and find out some additional info about him. I didn't tell J that I had found his MS page because I wasn't sure how she would react. Though they were both in high school, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with raising DD. He encouraged her to have an abortion (which she did not want to do) and then suggested adoption. Though he was okay with the adoption, he never wanted to meet us, talk to anyone from the agency, or anything. He basically left her holding the bag with planning for DD's future. As far as I know from J, he has seen a picture of DD and probably also gotten updates from her too.

What I am wondering is, since I have his MS, should I try to contact him myself? I worry that, like many birthparents, he may not know the benefits of open adoption. He may want to know more about DD, but may feel like he has no right to contact us, or may feel as though it's better to try to forget. I also know (from his MS and J) that he is leaving to join the Marines this month and I wonder if he would like to receive a letter or some pictures from us while he is away from home and may be feeling isolated or lonely in a new place and profession. Even though he may have treated J shabbily, I feel bad for him and that he may be missing out on something that would be beneficial to both him and especially to DD.

I also worry that contacting him out of the blue on his MS will seem like spying and snooping and that I will seem like a crazy stalker woman. Maybe he won't write back? Maybe he will deny DD is his? Maybe inviting him into our lives will turn out to be a mistake?

I also worry (I quite a worry-wart) that J will be extremely hurt by this. She does not speak of him in positive terms because of her experiences with him. When we told her to not give him any of our contact info (full names, addresses and such) until he was ready to contact us through the agency, her mom said, "if I have anything to do with it, R will never have anything to do with this baby." How would I even tell her, “we want to talk to R” without her being upset?

I guess I just feel like we're carrying on two different adoptions sometimes. One perfectly open and friendly, while the other is closed with no hope of contact. One day, won't DD ask me why she has a birthmom, but no birthdad? Won't she wonder why we didn't do more to contact him? Maybe she will wish she and R had the same relationship she and J have?

I just don't know...