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One of the things I suggest you do is to open your mind to why there are "seriously messed up adoptees and bmoms", as you put it, posting on this forum. The history of adoption in this country is a sordid one. The closed adoption era, which started in the time after World War II, has come to be known as the "baby snatch era" or BSE, when millions of young, mostly middle class, mostly white women lost their children for the crime of being pregnant out of wedlock. Many were treated terribly, were treated as criminals or at least as "bad girls", and their children were taken from them without their consent any without any followup counseling or care. Documentation of these repressive times is out there, if you are willing to read it. A book was just written about Georgia Tann, called "The Baby Thief". She had an organization that, in coercion with doctors, told young mothers their babies were dead and then sold the babies to high paying clients. She and her organization were in large part behind the secretive practices that established the closed adoption era.
The loss of a child is the worst thing a parent can go through. Many of the "bmoms" who post on this board, if they are in their mid 40s or older, relinquished children during the BSE. Their loss of their child was not acknowledged and they were told to go on as if nothing ever happened. That will "seriously mess" with anyone, and we mothers are finding ways to heal our own losses and to make sure that future generations of women do not lose their children while being treated in such heinous ways. We speak out to make sure that the mothers are not forgotten in the rush for others to become parents, AS WE WERE FORGOTTEN.
As far as "seriously messed up adoptees", I cannot speak for adoptees, but it seems to me that losing your mother at a very young age, being given to strangers whose voice, face and smell you don't recognize, being raised in a family that you have nothing in common with, and being denied any knowledge of your genetic history or your biological family could cause a great deal of trauma in a child.
If you lost your child or your mother and never heard from them again - and then was told that loss was "for the best" and you should be HAPPY about it - do you think that might "mess you up" a bit?
I would suggest that you continue to educate yourself about adoption. In order to round out your understanding of adoption and give you a complete picture of the reality of adoption for all members of the triad, I would encourage you to read books that focus on the losses that adoptees and birthfamilies experience as the result of relinquishment and being adopted. There are books that also address the losses that the adoptive parents experience in adoption as well. I recommend books such as The Primal Wound (written by an adoptive parent), The Girls Who Went Away, and BirthBond. There are many other good books, but these will get you started.
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Isabo
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