[portlowski]

We had some very similar issues early on. One being that my son's bmom often called herself "Mom" and at first it freaked me out. I wasn't sure what to do or how to handle it. Afterall, she was his firstmom and had given birth to him. One of the thing that happned to me was that over time my bond with my child became so strong that some of the things that bothered me early on just don't really matter any more. In the beginning, you are still playing a role to some extent , and getting to know your child. That's why the name "mom" is so important. But as I really became a mom and bonded with my son, the issue took on a different significance. At the same time, as time went on, my son's birthmom began to process the adoption and she began to use the term less frequently. We have come to a sort of place where I always reaffirm her role as the first mom. I say things like, "see that's S, your first mommy. She took care of you in her tummy before you were born and she loves you SO much!" And S in turn has confirmed my role.

I am not suggesting every adoption works like ours so I think it is a very good idea to talk about things early on. But also realize that some of the things that might be a really big deal might change with time. Conversely, some things that are no biggie now might become bigger later. It is a process, as others have said.

The name situation is one you should talk about. It might be difficult, but it is important to set the boudaries you have. If the problem persists with the extended family, keep in mind there are many familes where someone uses a different name than everyone else. Take it from me as a person who has been called by my middle name my whole life by many people but not all. It is important that they respect your decisions but if they slip up from time to time the real gauge for your child is your reaction to it.

I hope this is helpful...I am getting a bit rambling right now!