Thank you everyone so much! It was great to hear from both a-moms and b-moms
I now feel affirmed that talking to J will be the best thing. My DH and I were talking a lot about how our agency promoted OA very much (which is great), but that they don't really offer support for the birth and a-families after placement to learn how to work in the open adoption. I know our first reaction upon talking about some of these things was to think, "we don't even have to see them!" but that's not the route we wanted to go. We made a commitment to be open because we felt in was in our DD's best interest and I wouldn't want to cut that off or limit that relationship based on a few things which could be corrected by just talking.
I guess maybe the reason why these few things upset me is that I feel like we have discussed these issues and that she has kind of gone back on what she said. This isn't the first time that she's said one thing and then later told us something else. She is younger and I know that this whole thing is extremely difficult for her, but the one thing DH and I have tried to do is to never promise anything or tell her anything that misrepresented us. We have tried to be open and honest with her about our plans and future and I would never agree to something and then later back because I changed my mind. I guess sometimes I feel like she is not being completely honest with me.
I thought we had agreed on what J would be called. I thought we had agreed that we had a kind of closed relationship as far as the birthdad was concerned (though we would be willing to open up if he was interested) and that she shouldn't give out any of our identifying information to him until he was willing to contact us (though I don't mind if he sees pictures of DD or hears how she's doing). I also thought we had all agreed on a name and that she and her family were in support of this. I certainly don't want to (nor could I) control what they talk about in private, but in front of DD I'd like to present a pretty united front that we all care about and love her and want what's best for her which includes being unified about these and other things. I guess maybe I just feel a little confused by her and her family's actions now, though I guess they are probably feeling the same way about this whole thing in addition to feeling the loss of DD.
I hope by talking things out we can come to a better understanding and that we will reinforce that we want to talk through these issues and that J can also talk to us if she feels hurt by anything that we do.
Thanks again for your help everyone... I'm sure I will be on this board all the time asking for help and support!!!