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The first year was extremely difficult for us. Many of the things you mention we experienced, as well. What I can tell you after doing this for 7 years next month is be patient. She is finding her way just as you are. Approach it that way, ask her what has made her feel what and tell her how you are feeling. I am sure she is struggling not only with her loss but watching you do what she couldn't or didn't feel she could. If she isn't open, tell her you have read that soem people feel like this or that.
I have a wonderful very open adoption for one child, she spends the night with her Mother, talks to her on the phone almost daily, and invites her to ALL her activities. She is one of my dearest and most loyal friends. She is the first one I call to brag or moan about something this child has done. (Please don't tell my DH, LOL) We share all the good and bad, I can't imagine not sharing this child with her. This was not always the case. SHe threatened to break into my home and kidnap her, she has battled a Meth addiction and mental illness, and she has crossed some scary lines. All that was in the first year. I am sure I made my share of mistakes but no matter how hard she pushed me away, I stayed and waited for her to regain herself for our daughter's sake. I am so proud of her, she has regained custody of 2 of her children, stopped using drugs, started medication, and is actively employed for the first time in her life.
Our other children are in a different situation and we have an open relationship only with their extended family. I found it much easier this time to set boundaries and firmly stick to them without hurting anyone's feellings. I think what changed in me was I wasn't desperate to please them. I wasn't scared to lose my children. I was respectful and thoughtful at all times. I was clear what I was willing to do and the lengths I was willing to go through for them to see their healthy family. I guided them through it. I warned them that there would be times they wouldn't like what I had to say and we would surely disagree many times but I would never break their trust or walk away unless they hurt my children by disclosing our location. I can deal with anything else by close supervision of visits and calls. I can't change who their family is, I can protect them from harm but I feel they deserve to know their family even if I don't like the way they live.
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