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I agree with what everyone has said here. Communication is important, and so is recognition that both first mom and her family are grieving the loss of their primary role in the child's life. She was the only Mom and they and the birthfather's relatives were the only relatives. Now they are secondary, and their participation in her life is dependent upon the kindness of people who are strangers to them (you and your DH). That is a very difficult place to be. They are struggling, and 3 months is a very short time to deal with those emotions.
As far as the Mom thing, I know this is a sensitive issue, but she may consider herself Mom too - but not in a primary way. I am Mom to my son, even though I fully recognize and honor the fact that he has another Mom who raised him and called the shots. Her being Mom didn't sever my relationship with him, and we had a closed adoption. Both my son and I felt this way, even though we were separated for almost 20 years. One of the first things he asked me when he found me was if he could call me Mom.
I'm having a harder time with her inviting the birthfather, although it is possible that the baptism came up in conversation rather than that she invited him. I can understand you wanting to build your own relationship with him from the ground up. For her, the birthfather was also the father without qualification for 9 months, so it may feel very weird for her to exclude him. If she is young, then she may not have the interpersonal skills to be able to tell the birthfather that he must deal with you, if he put her on the spot. Those type of interpersonal skills are something we get better at as we grow older.
Bottom line, I think you are doing a good job of handling the open adoption. I think it is great that you are asking for input on how to approach these things, rather than just shutting things down. I believe that with communication, things will improve as everyone grieves their loss and becomes adjusted to their loss and new position in your daughter's life.
Good luck to you all.
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Isabo
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