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Originally Posted by oceanica
I am considering oa also and so I'm really happy to find this thread. Here are my thoughts and I hope you will be able to respond to them.
pros:
1. takes out the mystery and furious searching in the teenage or early adult years. bmom will be a known entity, not a big deal any more.
2. could make it quicker getting a baby.
3. might help bmom with the pain she will go through after giving up the baby.
4. The more people around to love the baby, the better imo.
cons:
1. I don't want to compete with her. I hope I'm mature enough not to run into that or thinking about it but sometimes I wonder.
2. Not sure I want her to be able to pop in at any time. Also, what if, after a period of time, she decides she wants to get the child back by illegal means or has other harmful ideas and now she knows where I live. I know this is probably highly unlikely - maybe I've watched too much tv.
3. what happens when the child says he doesn't want to take out the garbage and then you get "I hate you! I'm just going to go live with my REAL mom!" In fact the child could actually run away to go live with her. Hopefully someone I raise wouldn't do that but hey teenagers can be unpredictable.
4. could actually hurt bmom if she has difficulty letting go of the mom role and it continues to make her feel bad.
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Saw this last night. Came back this aft in the middle of craziness to respond with my thoughts. But I see some very wise women have already been here to offer their perspective and experience. As a Mom whose children are in open relationships with their other families, I agree. Read these posts over and over. Don't enter into an OA just to get a child. It is too d@ng hard and it is a lifetime commitment. Don't believe the rare news stories that stereotype women who place their children in another home. Always acknowledge their is loss in adoption, even if every fiber of your being begs you to forget. I hope that you research and then research some more before jumping in.