As a bmom, I wanted to address the "cons" section. Note: I'm not in an OA (was not available at the time I placed), but have been in a Semi Open, which worked out beautifully in my situation. However, from what I do know about OA, here are my responses:
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cons:
1. I don't want to compete with her. I hope I'm mature enough not to run into that or thinking about it but sometimes I wonder.
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You will be the mom once TPR is signed. Although bmom will always be the child's firstmom, she will need to understand that she cannot "coparent" the child.
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2. Not sure I want her to be able to pop in at any time. Also, what if, after a period of time, she decides she wants to get the child back by illegal means or has other harmful ideas and now she knows where I live. I know this is probably highly unlikely - maybe I've watched too much tv.
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Your arrangement in OA can be any level of openness you both agree to. If you don't want the birthparents (mom or dad) "popping in" you can have an agreement that is very specific to this not happening. In fact, if I am not mistaken, you don't even have to disclose where you live at all. You can agree to meet x number of times a year at an undisclosed location. Perhaps those more familiar with OA can address this, but it was my understanding that you can do OA without even giving other idenitfying info, such as your last names. Or is this considered more "semi open?" It is a common fear/misperception that that the bmom will want the baby back, but personally, I've never heard of any cases of a bmom actually going out and attempting to kidnap the child. If she did anything like this, you would have legal recourse.
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3. what happens when the child says he doesn't want to take out the garbage and then you get "I hate you! I'm just going to go live with my REAL mom!" In fact the child could actually run away to go live with her. Hopefully someone I raise wouldn't do that but hey teenagers can be unpredictable.
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This could happen in any kind of adoption (closed/semi/open) or with bio kids ("I HATE YOU!! I'm going to live with Aunt Jane who is WAY cooler than YOU'LL EVER BE!!!!&%#$&!!!"). Legally, if the child was under 18, s/he couldn't go live with anyone else but you. After 18, any child (adopted/bio) could live wherever they wanted, but the odds that they would go to live with their birthparents are slim. Even if it did happen, the bmom would have to agree to it, and at 18 they are free to do what they want.
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4. could actually hurt bmom if she has difficulty letting go of the mom role and it continues to make her feel bad.
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You are not responsible for the bmom's feelings, ultimately. If it continued to make her feel bad to participate in the OA, she would have to make the decision to scale it back, perhaps, or get counseling to help her deal with it.
You could start out with a semi-open situation, or a "not super open" OA, and see how it goes from there. Once you develop a relationship, it may turn out that you want to increase the level of openness. Better to do it that way than go for a full-blow way open situation only to want to scale it down later.
Just MHO