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Wow, sounds like my life! Luckily we only have one. He's 11 and we jumped into this. He is our foster son and was placed with us when he was 10.
With him, EVERYTHING turns into an argument.
The best advice I have ever received is to make the child feel like everything is a result of choices they make. "Ok, well it's your choice if you don't want to take a shower. If you choose not to, you also choose to give up your mp3 player and do all of the dishes two nights in a row" or something like that.
It took a while for our son to realize we meant business, but it worked.
Now he tries to listen, doesn't mouth off very often, and knows what to expect when he does.
Just DON'T BE INCONSISTENT! Kids, especially pre-teens, pick up on it and will try to take advantage of your kindness.
I finally had to turn into the mom I didn't want to be, but I realize that it's so much better this way. We're still close, but he knows he can't get away with things he shouldn't be doing.
Good luck!
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